by
Dr. Bill Gaultiere
Executive
Director of New Hope
A common problem that I see people
struggling with in my work as a psychologist is what I call emotional
reactivity. You may struggle with this yourself or know someone
who does. If so there is help. The trick is to learn to be responsive
to situations rather than reactive. First, you need to identify
if you have the tendency to overreact. Emotionally reactive people
have some of the following symptoms:
- quick to lose their temper
- significant mood swings
- prone to anxiety attacks
- often overcome with sudden tearfulness
- become flooded with unwanted feelings
- say or do things they’re embarrassed
about later
Sometimes emotionally reactive people
can be quite successful in their work lives if it is highly structured
or their relational involvement is minimal. It is in their relationships
with other people that they have their biggest problems. They
hurt others and get hurt by others often and conflicts can be
intense and frequent.
Take Sandra (not her real name) for
example. Let me give you a brief synopsis of her problems with
emotional reactivity. She had a highly successful career as a
saleswoman, although she often switched companies because of her
emotional problems. When starting with a new job she tended to
be very excited and prone to grandiose plans of what she was going
to do with her new company. Inevitably though problems would occur.
She'd lose her temper with "lazy" assistants who didn't measure
up to her standards. She'd fear harshness or criticism from her
boss so much that she'd try to avoid him and her performance reviews
sometimes would bring on an anxiety attack. Unexpected events
like receiving a harsh letter from her sister would set off bouts
of sudden crying or floods of emotion and subsequent fears that
these feelings would come up again at an inopportune time, like
in front of her co-workers or clients. Unfortunately, she had
problems at home too and would often lose her temper at her kids,
criticize her husband, or lock herself in her room to cry. Consequently,
her family walked on egg shells around her for fear of upsetting
her. At the same time, they’d treat her with kid gloves because
they were afraid to hurt her feelings.
Sandra had a problem with emotional
reactivity. You may identify with some of the issues she struggled
with. You undoubtedly know someone like her. In spite of the stereotype,
it isn't just certain women who have this problem. Men also can
be reactive, overly sensitive, moody, and unstable, even those
who would appear to be calm and rational. Sometimes those with
an apparent "cool head" are actually detached from their feelings
and when they get into an emotionally difficult situation they
too are liable to "lose it." In fact, most of us, if we're honest,
have to admit that at times we can be reactive, speaking before
we think, losing our temper, or being emotionally inappropriate.
What's the alternative you ask? Well,
instead of being emotionally reactive we need to learn to be emotionally
responsive. To be responsive requires that you pay attention to
what you’re feeling, particularly in stressful or emotional
situations. And you need to be prepared to H-A-L-T whatever
you’re doing if you’re Hungry, Angry,
Lonely, or Tired. You need to watch for these
feelings because they are the kinds of conditions under which
you’re most susceptible to overreacting in a way that you’ll
regret later. To halt means postponing your comments, decisions,
or actions in a given situation until you have had time to sort
things through.
For instance, let’s say you’ve
worked through your lunch hour and your boss calls, upset that
you’re not done with a project you’re working on and
starts pressuring your for an answer to a question related to
that project. You think you have an answer but you realize that
you’re over hungry and your angry at the way your boss is
pressuring you. If you don’t watch yourself you might say
something that would make things even worse with your boss. So
you halt and buy yourself the time you need to take care of your
feelings and sort through your thoughts on the subject by saying
something like, "I’m in the middle of something right
now. I’ll get back to you on that before I leave today."
Or, what if at the end of long and
exhausting day your husband loses his temper at you and criticizes
you for how you handled a problem with one of your kids? If you’re
not careful you might react in anger and escalate the conflict
between the two of you. You’re tired and you’re upset
that he didn’t appreciate your efforts with your child and
was so critical. Time to halt. Better to talk this issue through
later when you’re not so tired and upset. You might say,
"I’d like to talk with you about this situation later
when I have more energy. Can we talk in the morning about this?"
Then after you halt take time to:
1. Feel your feelings,
2. Talk to someone you trust about
how you feel,
3. Focus on receiving care while you
share,
4. Think about your situation before
you speak or act.
Start by feeling your feelings and
sorting them through by sharing with a trustworthy listener. It
may take quite a bit of discernment and courage for you to share
this honestly, especially if you've been violated in past relationships
or haven't experienced much listening and caring support, but
it is worth considerable effort.
To get the most out of being listened
and cared for to it's important that you join in the caring. To
fully receive care you need to be self-accepting. Usually, reactive
people are self-conscious about their emotional vulnerability
and embarrassed about how they feel and so they try to avoid their
feelings. They've judged themselves as "too sensitive" or "overly
emotional" or "weak and needy" and denied or repressed their feelings.
Of course, like the beach ball that you hold underwater, inevitably
the unwanted feelings will pop up in emotional outbursts, hurtful
words, or foolish actions. So practice good self-talk by saying
affirming things to yourself like:
- "All my feelings are okay."
- "God loves me as I am."
- "My needs are important too."
Finally, as you’re processing
your feelings it’s important to work at integrating your
feeling and thinking. In other words, don’t just feel about
your situation, but think about it too. Then you’ll be more
ready to speak out calmly and act appropriately (see chart below).
A lot of unnecessary conflicts and problems are avoided if you
follow this simple rule: feel and think first before you speak
or do.
(Chart)
Responding to situations in this manner
is called "containing" or "processing" your
feelings. It takes time and practice to learn to respond rather
than react so don’t get down on yourself if it’s a struggle
for you. But it will pay rich dividends for you and those in relationship
with you. Being responsive will help you make better decisions
and get along better with others. It’ll help you accomplish
more and earn other people’s respect. It’ll also help
you stay calm and confident when dealing with people who overreact!
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