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Dr. Bill Gaultiere
Executive Director of New Hope

Listen. Do you do it? Do you offer a listening ear to those who need to share their hearts? Do you know what it feels like to be listened to? There is perhaps no better way to show that we care for someone and to connect with them than to listen - really listen with your heart - to what they have to say. It sounds simple, to just listen, but it isn't.

Many people don't know how to listen well. I know I didn't. Of course, I was taught listening skills early on in my graduate training in psychology, but my best lessons came from my wife. It was through her disappointments and frustrations with me early in our marriage (we were married in 1986) that I learned not to give advice, but instead to listen with my heart and then to demonstrate my understanding and care by reflecting her feelings.

Perhaps my most powerful lessons in listening came from the experience of having my own feelings and struggles really listened to. During this same period of young adulthood I learned how to receive and benefit from listening. Previously, I had been so focused on other people’s feelings and concerns that I didn’t listen well to my own self. When I learned to share my heart with good listeners, like my wife, friends, and a therapist I discovered the most wonderful blessings — peace, caring, validation, aliveness, new insights, and so much more!

Whatever your place in life is you can apply active listening to all of your interactions with people. Doing so will help people feel cared for. It’ll build intimacy in your relationships. It’ll help you to grow in wisdom and to succeed in life. And don’t forget to ask for the listening that you need too

I teach active listening to spouses and parents in counseling, to our New Hope volunteers who answer crisis calls, and recently to our teen volunteers answering the phones for Teenline. Learning to listen is a matter of offering a caring heart and implementing six simple and practical ideas in the way that you respond to others. To remember these six skills I like to use the acronym: "L-I-S-T-E-N."

Loving, nonjudgmental attitude. It’s a must. It enables you to step into another's shoes and begin to understand. Be open-minded and gracious, as nothing closes a heart faster than criticism and prejudice.

Invite self-disclosure with open-ended questions. Help others open up by asking something like, "Tell me what happened?" or "How do you feel about that?" Avoid questions that can be answered with "yes" or "no."

Summarize what you're hearing. It’s important to verify that you understand the person’s issue by saying something like, "What I'm hearing you say is..." or "I’m understanding that you’re concerned about…" Don't give solutions or advice. Don’t try to fix the person’s problem or concern, as that undermines helping by putting responsibility for the issue on you instead of the one in need.

Timely reflection of feelings. Affirming people’s feelings (inner emotions, experiences, and felt needs) is key. Focus on the person’s feelings more than the surrounding facts or their perceptions of others by saying things like, "It sounds like you feel...." "It seems that you need...."

Even-tempered listening. Stay calm; don't react. Contain your feelings and think before you speak. Emotional reactions (e.g., shock, surprise, anger, disgust, pain, fear) shut people down. They need your help to stay focused on their own feelings.

Nonverbal cues. Offering an occasional "Mm hmm," "Oh," a steady gaze, and a warm smile help people know that you're listening.

Now that you know what it means to really listen, ask yourself, do you listen to your family, friends, and co-workers? Better yet, ask them! They know and they’ll tell you!

"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak…" (James 1:19, NIV)

"Let the wise listen and add to their learning." (Proverbs 1:5, NIV)