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by
Dr. Bill Gaultiere
Executive Director of New Hope
Losing a loved
one hurts terribly. You may have painful, frightening, and confusing
feelings come over you in sudden, unexpected waves. Whenever possible,
don't fight your feelings. Recovering from a death or a major loss
(e.g., divorce, health problem, unemployment, financial crisis,
broken dream) is a process that takes time and naturally includes
cycling through the feelings and responses that are part of the
five stages of grief described below.
You don't need
to be alone with your grief. There is help! There is hope! Talk
with God and people you trust, seeking comfort and support, and
in time you will heal and recover, discovering the truth of Jesus'
words, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
(Matthew 5:4)
1. Shock:
At first you
may react to the loss with emotional detachment, finding yourself
remarkably calm or strangely disassociated from all feeling and
saying things like, "This couldn't have happened to me" or "I can't
believe this." You're not going crazy, you're in shock. Your psyche
is giving you a cushion to help you assimilate the painful event.
2. Denying
the Loss:
Death and loss
are harsh realities that we don't want to accept. This is why it
is common to think that you have seen or heard the deceased, to
set his or her place at the table, or to find yourself looking for
him or her. Similarly, again and again you may think, "If only I
had _______ or so and so had _______, then this wouldn't have happened."
3. Anger
and Guilt:
We can't control
death and loss, but we want to. So it's natural to feel angry about
it for a season, and to try to place blame for the loss on someone
- yourself (called "survivor's guilt"), another, God, or even the
deceased. Again and again you may ask, "Why has this happened? Why
didn't he _________? Why did God allow this?" You may also be irritable,
prone to lose your temper, and have a low frustration tolerance.
4. Depression:
During your time
of grieving you may lose your interest and zest for living and feel
that you can't go on living without your loved one. You may struggle
with sadness, emotional overload, discouragement, tiredness and
lethargy, difficulty concentrating, eating or sleeping too much
or not enough, lack of pleasure, self-pity, and isolation. You may
have other feelings too, ranging from panic to relief.
5. Recovery:
With time, talking
through your feelings and memories, and receiving the comfort you
need, you will recover from your loss and return to living your
life with happiness and purpose. The pain of your loss will diminish,
even at times of reminiscing and spontaneous remembering. At first,
it might seem disloyal or somehow wrong for you to be happy without
your loved one, but you need to press through this. This is a time
to rediscover yourself and your life. A time to renew your old interests
and friendships and to start new ones too. A time to make plans
for your future. Having participated in the grief process will help
you to be able to maintain a strong, loving connection with your
departed loved one (or your loss) in your heart.
Tips to Help You With Your Grief:
1. Consider the
year after your loss as a "season of grief," a time to cycle through
important dates and memories and to progress through the stages
of grief.
2. Get help from a grief recovery support group, pastor, or psychotherapist.
3. Take the initiative to talk about your grief over and over again
with people you trust. (Don't feel sorry for yourself or isolate
if people seem to be avoiding you, this is simply due to their embarrassment
of not knowing what to say.)
4. When your grief is "triggered" by your associations with your
loved one (e.g., special dates, places, experiences, songs, smells)
go with it (as long as you're in a safe place) by feeling your feelings
and reminiscing over your memories.
5. Facilitate your grief recovery by doing things like revisiting
the grave site or the place where the deceased's ashes were disbursed,
listening to a tape of the memorial service, reminiscing over past
memories and associations, and reviewing old pictures and memorabilia.
6. Write and share with a support person a letter or series of letters
to your loved one and/or to God to help you sort through your feelings.
7. Pray and read the Psalms in the Bible for comfort (e.g., the
Psalms of Lament, Psalm 3, 7, 13, 25, 44, 74, 79, 80).
Remember,
God
loves you and so do we at New Hope!
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