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A. Do
You Believe that Counseling Leads to Change?
- 1.
I’m using the term “counseling” simply to refer
to dialogue in which one person supports another persons efforts
to overcome a problem or make a positive change.
- 2.
The best counselors/caring helpers have personally experienced
the benefits of being counseled/cared for. That personal experience
is a powerful source for confidence that the process works.
- 3.
Recalling testimonies of other callers/people whom you’ve
helped is invaluable encouragement to replenish your energy
for continued caring investments in others, especially when
dealing with people who are difficult.
B. When
to and When Not to Counsel
- 1.
Always L-I-S-T-E-N first! (See “How to L-I-S-T-E-N”
which explains the acronym: Loving, non-judgmental attitude,
Invite self-disclosure with open-ended questions, Summarize,
Timely reflection of feelings, Even-tempered, Nonverbal cues.)
- 2.
Crisis intervention is most important. Our primary service
at New Hope is to be available by phone or internet to prevent
suicides.
C. How
to and How Not to Counsel
- 1.
Remember your limitations. We have one brief phone contact
with an anonymous caller. We offer caring support and referrals
to doctors, therapists, pastors/churches, and support groups.
- 2.
Care, don’t fix.
Care is patient with the process, fixing seeks quick solutions.
Care understands feelings, fixing focuses only on problems.
Care is respectful, fixing is shaming.
Care is responsive to needs, fixing is rescuing (takes responsibility
for another’s problem or gets someone to do that for
you).
Care is compassionate, fixing is rejecting.
Care is helpful, fixing is hurtful.
- 3.
“Compassionate collaboration” should be the spirit
and theme of your counseling. Caring counselor and caller
working together to help the caller feel supported and take
any needed action steps.
D. Examples
of Helpful Counseling Techniques
Note: the first 3 techniques are the most important and
really are part of the good, active listening that is New Hope’s
primary mission. The other techniques are supplemental and to
be used only after you’ve listened and offered a caring
connection. These other techniques are particularly useful with
callers who are stuck. In a given phone call it may be appropriate
to try one (or two, but no more) approaches or it might be that
caring listening, words of encouragement, and a prayer or referral
are sufficient to give the caller the support that is needed.
- Be
specific
+ Don’t make quick conclusions or biased
judgments about the caller. Don’t keep listening for
10 or 20 minutes to a caller sharing perceptions of others.
This is not sharing feelings. Feelings are inner experiences
and needs that are about the caller, not perceptions about
another person in the caller’s life. Make sure that conversations
don’t stay in generalities. Ask the caller to share an
example.
+ “Can you tell me about a time recently
that you felt this way?”
+ “What’s an example of this (problem)?”
+ “What specifically do you want to change?”
- Assess
effectiveness of past efforts
+ Ask the caller about their previous attempts to deal
with their problem. If a past strategy has been successful,
encourage them to try it again. If nothing has worked for
them, then they need to see the futility of trying harder
at doing the same things that haven’t worked before.
+ “What have you tried before?”
+ “Since ________ helped you with this before
why don’t you try it again?”
+ “It sounds like you’ve tried a number of
different things to change this and nothing has worked. Let’s
think of something new to try.”
- Brainstorm
possible action steps
+ After listening and building a caring connection,
work with the caller to come up with possible goals and action
steps to help resolve a problem or meet a need.
+ “What do you think you could do to help
change this (help yourself, make things better)?”
+ “Which step would you like to start with?”
- Double
standard
+ Identify example(s) of negative self-talk and
encourage the caller to talk to self in the same loving way
he/she talks to a dear friend or child.
+ Example: Woman with a fear of flying is critical
and impatient with herself for getting panicky when statistically
flying is safer than driving.
+ Imagine a mean mother taking her little girl
on an airplane. It’s the girl’s first flight and
she’s scared because she heard about the Egypt air crash.
Her mother says to her, “C’mon! Be Mommy’s
big girl. There’s no reason to be scared. Stop shaking
and crying! What’s the matter with you? People are looking
at us.”
+ “You wouldn’t talk to your daughter
like that, yet that’s how you talk to yourself. What
would you want to say to this frightened little girl to help
her?”
+ That’s what you need to say to yourself,
to soothe yourself and calm yourself down.
- Positive
reframe
+ Find a satisfying aspect or growth opportunity
in what caller sees as “all bad,” or to be dreaded.
(Be sure that you’ve already validated the caller’s
feelings and struggle!)
+ Example: Caller says, “Saturday will be
a terrible day. It’s the first anniversary of my wife’s
death.”
+ “I hear that you miss her terribly…”
+ “It is a terribly painful day for you.
It’s also an opportunity for seek comfort in your grief
(or to remember the gifts she left you with).”
- Positive
re-label
+ Identify negative labels of self (or other):
“inferior,” “loser,” “failure,”
“ugly,” “stupid,” “hopeless.”
+ “What do you mean you’re _______?”
+ Differentiate between feelings and character/identity
+ Differentiate between behavior and character/identity
+ Differentiate between one weakness and character/identity
+ Example: “I’ll never get a job because
I’m fat.”
+ “It is scary to interview for a job and
most people do have to apply a number of times before they
find a job that works for them.”
+ “You’re doing a good job in your interviews.
I’m sure that interviewers notice how friendly and earnest
you are. And you have a number of positive points in your
resume.”
+ “Instead of shaming yourself for being
overweight you should congratulate yourself that you’re
in Weight Watcher’s now.”
- Re-attribution
+ Instead of blaming only yourself for problems,
identify all the factors that contributed
+ Example: Caller says, “It’s my fault
that my son has become an alcoholic like me.”
+ “What are some other reasons you can think
of as to why your son has become an alcoholic?”
+ He should come up with a number, like genetics,
likes to party with friends, didn’t listen to your admonishment,
won’t go to recovery meetings like you do, uses alcohol
to self-medicate his pain.
- Stimulus
Control
+ To break a bad habit or compulsive behavior
reduce temptation. This simple rule of recovery is often avoided
by those who need to practice it!
+ Alcoholic: avoids places where liquor is served
and eliminates it from the house.
+ Sex addict: avoids places that sell porn and
or tend to have women in bikinis.
+ Yelling mother: sets boundary in the morning
(when she commonly loses her temper) that her son can’t
watch his favorite video tape until he’s 100% ready to
walk out the door.
- Cost-benefit
analysis:
+ List the advantages and disadvantages of a behavior,
feeling, or attitude and then weigh it out. Ideally this helps
the person to make a better choice. But even if this isn’t
the case it should help the person to be aware of any hidden
motives and to take responsibility for the consequences of
their choice.
+ Example: “I need to pack for our Thanksgiving
weekend at my in-laws. We leave in four hours.”
Benefits of not doing: avoid thinking about the stress of
being with in-laws, get there later, husband helps pack.
+ Costs of not doing: husband gets angry, go through
last minute panic, traffic is worse.
- Conversation
role play
+ Caller verbalizes what would he/she would like
to say to someone, the other’s probable response, and
then the caller’s reply.
+ Example: “My husband makes comments to
me on other women’s sexiness.”
+ Wife: “It irritates me when you do that.
I feel disrespected.”
+ Husband: “I’m just noticing her attractiveness.”
+ Wife: “I want you to notice and comment
on me, especially when we’re together.”
- Little
steps for big feats
+ Breakdown large project/goal into smaller steps.
+ Dr. Schuller: “Inch by inch anything is
a cinch.” “Beginning is half done.”
+ Example: “My baby is due in two weeks and
we don’t have the nursery ready.”
+ Prioritize and take one step at a time: car
seat, diapers and wipes, clothes, crib, changing table, then
decorate the room.
Counseling
Techniques CE Exam
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