Avoid

Definition

Examples

What to do instead

Advice

Taking the role of authority or expert to offer directions or solutions.

I think you should. 

You need to stop depending on him.

Use open questions to help people develop their own plan of action.  (What ideas do you have..?)

Judging

Condemning someone for immoral or bad behavior.

You shouldn't yell at your kids.

The Bible says, "God hates divorce."

Use open questions to gather more information, reflect guilt feelings, summarize negative consequences of harmful choices.

Reassurance

Trying to make people feel better by minimizing their pain or "true guilt."

It'll work out.  Don't worry.

It's ok for you to divorce.

Reflect people's feelings. (I gather that you feel.)

Sympathy

Changing the focus to your feelings or your story to relate or to comfort.

I'm sorry.  I know how hard it is.  One time I.

Reflect people's feelings.  (It seems you feel.)

Analysis

Trying to identify the underlying cause for someone's behavior or problem.

You're struggling because. 

Why did you.?

Use an open question (What.?) or an open probe (Tell me more about.) to invite self-disclosure. 

Multiple questions

Asking two or more distinct questions without letting the person respond to the first one.

What happened when.? What are you going to do next? (No time to respond between questions)

Ask one question at a time and wait for the answer.

Leading questions

Using a question to get a desired answer.  This is an indirect way of giving advice.

You want to go to church, don't you?

What if you ask your wife to.

Use an open question (What.?) or an open probe (Tell me more about.) to invite self-disclosure. 

Externalizing

Focusing on people's perceptions of others, thereby implying blame or enabling helplessness.

He's so critical of you!

She keeps going behind your back.

Reflect feelings, not perceptions. (It seems you feel criticized. betrayed.)

Summarize people's experiences.

Extremely negative words

Using words that reinforce feeling bad, helpless, or hopeless.

You're feeling bad. terrible. useless.  powerless. hopeless.

Use summary statements and reflections that are accurate and less discouraging.

Repetitive phrasing

Using the same words as the other person or repeating your own words.

Caller: I'm frustrated about.

Counselor: It's frustrating for you that.

In each reflection use fresh words to describe the person's feelings.

Vague feeling words

Describing people's struggles with vague, nonspecific words when distinct feelings are present.

You're feeling concerned. upset.

It's hard for you.

This has been difficult.

Use reflections that identify specific feelings (See, "Words Describing Feelings," e.g., I sense you feel angry.)

Unnecessary
qualifiers

Using qualifiers that distract from, minimize, or exaggerate feelings.

It seems you feel kind of (or a little bit, totally, terribly.) sad.

Use reflections that identify specific feelings (It seems you feel sad.)

Unhelpful phrases

Using phrases that undermine personal responsibility.

". makes you feel." "You must be." 

"I'm sorry that happened to you."

Use summaries and reflections that help people be responsible for their feelings.

General life
observations

Talking in generalities about the way life is.

"That's just the way teenagers are."  "Most marriages end in divorce today."

Use summaries and reflections that focus on people's unique experiences and feelings.