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By
Dr. Bill Gaultiere
Question:
I hastily got married in Las Vegas a couple of years ago. Our
marriage was nothing but turmoil until we separated. Now I miss
him and want to reconcile, but sometimes when I call his home
his ex-girlfriend answers the phone. I am a positive person so
I’m trying to believe that we can work this out. Am I being
foolish?
Answer:
I respect you for wanting to make your marriage work and I pray
that it will. Your situation is quite difficult. I sense your
regret at getting married hastily and apparently you’ve already
paid a price for not building a stronger foundation in your relationship
before getting married. Fortunately, it’s not too late for
God to work something good for you out of this painful and confusing
situation as long as you cooperate with him.
That brings
us to your question about whether or not you’re being foolish.
My answer depends upon who or what you’re trusting. Let me
explain. If you’re trusting your husband, then I think you
may indeed be acting foolishly. It sounds like he may be having
an affair with his ex-girlfriend. For him to have her in his house
and not to have talked to you about it beforehand sounds very
suspicious indeed. Even if he’s not having a sexual relationship
with her you still have cause for concern. If he has an ongoing
emotional attachment to her then it is likely to be a temptation
to him and to interfere with his ability to work through his issues
with you.
If you’re
trusting in your marriage that also is probably foolish. The brief
history of your relationship doesn’t sound trustworthy. A
hasty marriage, turmoil between the two of you, a separation,
and now he has a revived relationship with an ex-girlfriend -
it all adds up to an uncertain and undependable bond between the
two of you. You need to take a hard look at these issues in your
marriage and get help in order to effect a meaningful and lasting
reconciliation. A.S.A.P. the two of you should meet with a marriage
counselor or a pastor to talk about these issues and get help
for your marriage. If he won’t participate in an attempt
to get help for your marriage then his commitment to you and to
the marriage is even more suspect and you have little room to
maneuver. The only reasonable plan B that I see in that case is
to tell him that you’re going to get help for yourself and
to encourage him to do the same. Then talk to your counselor or
to the members of your support group (e.g., Co-dependents Anonymous)
about what’s going on and wait for six to twelve months to
see what happens. While you wait, be sure to guard your heart
to keep from trusting him or getting too close to him until he
has proved by his behavior that he has changed. If over time he
gets help, the issue with the ex-girlfriend is resolved, his commitment
to you is clear, and the relationship improves, then you’re
ready to reconcile.
If it is God
you’re trusting in then the answer is no, you’re certainly
not being foolish. It’s never foolish to put your faith in
God and to ask him to work in a situation. God is in the salvation
business. People who say they’re sorry can be forgiven, hurts
can be healed, and broken relationships can be mended. The biggest
difficulty for you and your marriage is that it’ll take more
than God’s help and your faith to mend your marriage. Your
husband needs to participate too. He has to want to reconcile.
He has to be willing to work on your marriage. But, even if things
don’t work out like you want in your marriage, know that
God cares about you and can give you the comfort and strength
that you need. His helping hands are reaching out to you to help
you to recover and move forward in your life.
In closing,
I have a question for you. Are you trusting in your self? Are
you listening to your feelings and inner sense about your marriage
and your husband? Time and again I’ve talked to women (and
men) in situations similar to yours who prolonged and deepened
their heartache by not paying attention to what they “knew”
to be true inside, because they didn’t want to believe it.
You may not know for sure if you’re husband has had an affair
or not. But you do know that there are some serious problems here.
You miss your husband and probably feel rejected if, as it seems,
he is not very concerned about your feelings and reconciling with
you. You have cause to feel jealous that he is having his ex-girlfriend
over at his house. And when living with him you felt turmoil.
These feelings are reasonable and valid. Anyone in your shoes
would feel the same way, so don’t discount your experience
just because it’s painful. A truly positive person faces
negative feelings and situations with courage, works with God
to resolve problems, and smiles because even when life isn’t
fair, God is good.
I pray that
God helps you to be this type of a positive person and that he,
your husband, and you all work together to mend your marriage.
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