Share your thoughts with Dr. Bill in 1Community

William Gaultiere, Ph.D. Director of New Hope & Clinical Psychologist with ChristianSoulCare.com

Question: I heard you talk about using “spiritual conversations” to develop “spiritual friendships.”  I’d like to have a friendship that helps me to grow closer to God.  How can I do that?

Answer:  When you’re talking with a friend and you’re welcoming of and conscious of God’s presence then the conversation of two becomes a conversation of three and talk becomes prayer.  Spiritual conversation starts with good conversation – soul talk.  When you’re sharing be honest and vulnerable and talk about what’s really going on in your life and in your relationship with God.  And when you’re listening ask pertinent questions and listen with your heart – offer your compassion without judgment, advice, or reassurance. 

In addition to soul-full, caring conversation you want you’re interaction with your friend to be prayerful.  I don’t necessarily mean saying a prayer together, though probably you will do that.  What I mean is that you want to pay attention to the fact Jesus is present with you while you’re talking with your friend even as he was the two disciples as they walked the Emmaus Road (Luke 24:13-32).  Use your conversation as an opportunity to intentionally connect with God and become attuned to what God is saying and doing in your life and in your friend’s life.  If both people in a friendship are doing this then you’ll sense the blessing of God’s presence in powerful ways.

The best way to grow in spiritual friendship is to practice it with someone who also desires this and then to take turns being the “Sacred Companion” who listens and responds to and then prays for a fellow “Pilgrim.”  Taking turns forces you when you’re listening to stay focused on the one sharing and what God is doing in that person’s life and to go more deeply into the Pilgrim’s (your friend’s) soul and experience of God.

Here’s an exercise that breaks down the basic components of having a spiritual conversation like this.  The idea is for you to practice this with a friend, ideally it’d be best to share in a conversation in person, but you could also do this over the phone or via Instant Messenger e-mail.  The caring and skills I’m suggesting in this process are very similar to the “A-B-C’s of Counseling” that I’ve taught to lay counselors for many years, but the purpose of spiritual conversation is different.  (Also, the mutuality of a friendship is different than peer counseling.)  In counseling our focus is to comfort someone who is hurting or to help them overcome a struggle and if we pray for the person it’s usually an expression of helping in that way.  But in spiritual conversation the purpose is to facilitate growing intimacy with God – to be more conscious of God’s presence, to discern what God is saying, to express love for him. 

Notice that the Sacred Companion is serving as “Christ’s Ambassador” (2 Corinthians 5:20), serving as a bridge or facilitator to connect the Pilgrim to God who is actually present in Spirit and offering his love, truth, and power (in that order because that’s the only way it’s safe for us and that we’re able to make use of it).  Also, notice that the Pilgrim has a role with steps to take if he or she is going to connect with and make good use of God’s grace in the midst of whatever is going on in his or her life and relationship with God.

The table, “Sacred Companion Conversation,” summarizes how spiritual friends can offer spiritual hospitality to help one another to grow closer to God in a particular conversation.  The instructions below guide the Sacred Companion through the process with specific steps.

Sacred Companion Conversation

Instructions for Sacred Companions:

Pair off and take turns being a Sacred Companion for one another on your journey with God as Pilgrims.  Allow twelve minutes for each of you to practice being a Sacred Companion for a Pilgrim by offering the gifts of spiritual hospitality and prayer.

1. Invite the Pilgrim to share on his/her relationship with God with by asking a salty question like, “When have you sensed God’s presence recently?”  (Alternatives: “What is God speaking to your heart?”  “What has God been doing in your life?”  “How have you been experiencing God lately?”  “How are you experiencing God right now?”)  Then as you listen help the Pilgrim to notice examples of God’s care and action in his or her life by asking inviting open questions, reflecting feelings, and summarizing spiritual experiences.  5 minutes.
   
2. Transition the Pilgrim into considering an action step by asking an illuminating/guiding question like, “What do you think God is leading you to do?”  (Alternatives: “What is God teaching you about improving your relationship with him?”  “What has God said to you from his Word that you want to work on?”  “What would you like to do to grow closer to God this week?”)  Persist with asking gentle, probing questions aimed at helping the Pilgrim think about what he or she needs to work on with God.  4 minutes.
   
3. Help the Pilgrim pick up the Keys to the Kingdom by offering to pray for his or her relationship with God along the lines of what has been shared.  If the Pilgrim’s prayer request is unclear then ask something like, “How can we pray for your relationship with God?”  (Alternatives: “How can I pray for your spiritual growth?”  “What would you like us to ask God to do in your life?’)  Pray in faith, calling upon God’s grace and power on behalf of the Pilgrim’s specific request(s).  3 minutes

William Gaultiere, Ph.D. is the Executive Director of the New Hope Crisis Counseling Center at the Crystal Cathedral and a Clinical Psychologist and Spiritual Director with ChristianSoulCare.com.  On his website you can sign up for a free, bi-monthly inspirational e-mail.