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Question:
As
a mother I struggle with terrible guilt whenever I yell at my
children. I feel so bad when my four-year old girl cries when
I scold her. It seems that no matter how hard I try I still lose
my temper. What do I as a Christian Mom need to do?
Answer:
Being
a mother of a preschooler is one of the hardest and most important
jobs there is! Having taken three children through the preschool
years myself, I know how difficult and exhausting and frustrating
it was at times for me as a father.
Continual
needs, demands for attention, whining, squabbling, disobedience,
messes to clean… The list goes on, but you know exactly what I’m
talking about! There are a number of ways that these cuddly,
adorable children can seemingly morph into irritating pests that
drive us crazy.
And if we
parents let our kids drive us crazy and then lose our tempers
then not only have we gotten stressed out, but we’ve hurt our
kids. It’s hard for children when their parents are harsh with
them. Usually, it leaves them feeling bad about themselves and
scared. And some children don’t express verbalize their hurt
or anger; they need to be drawn out and comforted so they don’t
become depressed and withdrawn.
You can reduce
these tensions and protect your kids from your temper. I usually
tell parents like you what I’ve learned. If you’ve lost your
temper at your child then probably there was a boundary that you
didn’t set.
Maybe your
anger was building as you were letting junior get away with more
and more misbehavior until you finally exploded.
Or you kept
extending yourself further and further in caring for your child,
going beyond your limitations until you snapped when your child
had yet another "need."
Other times
your child gets in your way - innocently. You were angry to begin
with about something else and hadn’t resolved your feelings and
then your little precious spilled the milk or interrupted and
you yelled.
What are the
lessons here? Deal with misbehavior as it occurs. Recognize
your limitations and take proper care of yourself. And whenever
you get angry pay attention and deal with your anger and related
feelings of hurt or fear. Of course, if you still lose control
with your anger then you need to apologize and support your child
emotionally by listening and offering comfort.
It’s natural
and appropriate for anyone, including Christians, to feel angry
when their children cross boundaries, try to manipulate you, hurt
your feelings, or simply overwhelm you with their needs when your
needs aren’t being met. The angry feelings aren’t bad. It’s
how you respond that makes anger good or bad. The Bible has a
lot to say about anger and how to deal with it, for a summary
see, "What
the Bible Teaches on Dealing with Anger."
The following
chart illustrates the difference between good and bad approaches
to dealing with anger. Good anger is assertive, as defined here.
And bad anger is either passive or aggressive.
I encourage
you to continue working on this issue, as any progress you make
in learning deal with your anger more assertively, honestly, and
respectfully will pay rich dividends for you and your children.
For more insight
into how to overcome anger problems read my article, "How
to Replace Bad Anger with Good Anger."
Dr.
Bill Gaultiere is the Director of New Hope Crisis Counseling at
the Crystal Cathedral and a Psychologist with ChristianSoulCare.com.
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