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Question:
I am very concerned for my 14 year old granddaughter who was molested in school by several boys over a period of two months. Her memories of the incidents frequently are “triggered” and bring with them a flood of anger and pain, often at times when she is not in a safe place. Can you please outline some steps to help her cope with the memories and pain? How can she recover?

Answer:
I understand your concern for your granddaughter. She is only 14 years old has been severely and repeatedly traumatized and needs comfort and help in order to recover. It’s no wonder that she is frequently triggered and flooded with anger. With help from you and others she can get though these tough times. She can heal. She can recover!

The first issue to address for your granddaughter is her safety. Obviously, if possible she needs to avoid any vulnerable situations where she might run into one of the boys who violated her. Furthermore, it is important for her to learn strategies for doing what she can to protect herself in the future. For instance, she might walk with a friend to class or at the store or carry a cell phone. She may benefit from taking a rape prevention class to learn additional strategies for self-protection and to develop stronger boundaries. Feeling more empowered and protected would greatly aid her recovery.

The urgency of a trauma survivor finding a place of safety is illustrated by a call that came into New Hope from an adolescent girl right after she had been raped. She was so distraught, ashamed, and afraid of what her mother would say that she was out of her right mind. She hung up on the New Hope volunteer counselor who was helping her and attempted suicide by cutting her wrists and ankles. Fortunately, she called back and the counselor was able to get her to stop the flow of blood and to calm her down. In the meantime, a trace was completed and the police arrived to take her to the hospital. Once she was in a place of safety she could get the medical, therapeutic, and family support she needed. (See the testimony, “New Hope to the Rescue.”)

You mentioned that your granddaughter has visited with a psychologist, but felt that she was not getting enough help for dealing with her anger and with the triggers that overwhelm her. She ought to give this feedback to the psychologist and if things don’t improve or she doesn’t trust him then she may need to find another therapist. It’s important that she connect with a trustworthy and qualified psychologist, medical doctor, or mental health worker so that she can get an understanding of her problem and receive the support and guidance that she needs to recover.

Your granddaughter needs to know what she is dealing with. Whenever any of us have a problem it helps make it more manageable and less stressful to know the problem’s name. It sounds like she may be experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which includes the following six diagnostic criteria:

1. Experiencing a catastrophic or traumatic event(s).
2. Intrusive recollection. Memories or images associated with the event are spontaneously “triggered” and evoke panic, terror, fearfulness, grief, or anger. These may come in the form of daytime fantasies, nightmares, or flashbacks.
3. Avoidance or numbing. The person attempts to keep from being triggered by avoiding certain people, places, or things and/or becomes numb, creating an emotional anesthesia to block out the unwanted images and feelings.
4. Increased arousal. Those with PTSC have a fear of being re-traumatized and may have associated feelings of anxiety, panic, hypervigilance, or paranoia.
5. Duration. In chronic PTSD symptoms last at least one month. In delayed onset PTSD symptoms begin after one month.
6. Decreased functioning. Symptoms are significant, causing a decrease in the person’s ability to function in relationships and/or at work (school).

You’ve heard the saying, “time heals.” Well, as you’ve already observed with your granddaughter, it isn’t true. PTSD and other psychological problems or injuries require participating in a process of recovery with people you trust over time in order for healing to occur. Left untreated, PTSD can become a chronic psychological disorder with remissions and relapses occurring year after year. PTSD can also create or exacerbate additional psychological problems like suicidal tendencies, depression, anxiety, panic disorder, personality disorders, and alcohol or drug abuse. I say all this not to scare you, but to validate your concern for your granddaughter and to underscore the importance of her getting the qualified help she needs. The healing process that she needs to go through includes the stages in the grief recovery process which I outlined in the New Hope Notes article, “Help with the Grieving Process.” Here I will mention six steps specific to recovering from a trauma like that of being sexually violated.

1. Refuge. As I mentioned above, the first concern after a trauma is for the victim to regain safety and stability to prevent further damage and to help him or her to calm down.
2. Recall the event and debrief. As soon as trauma survivors are safe and stable they need to talk about what happened and how they felt about it with someone who is safe and supportive like a therapist, pastor, friend, or support group. They need to push past tendencies to avoid, deny, or numb out the trauma. The memories, images, and feelings associated with the trauma need to be verbalized again and again. Thereby, the survivor can experience the benefits of catharsis, releasing feelings of pain, fear, grief, anger, and guilt, while at the same time re-establishing trust, learning that they are not alone, and receiving much needed comfort and encouragement.
3. Restore self-esteem. Survivors of traumas often have their self-esteem assaulted by what’s called “survivor’s guilt.” They may think, “Why did I make it through okay and other’s didn’t?” Or, “I deserved this. God is punishing me.” Or, “I should’ve been able to stop this.” While there are certainly things to learn from a trauma, it is not the fault of the survivor. Natural disasters and accidents happen and we can’t control them. Abusive people do terrible things they shouldn’t do and their victims are caught helpless or unsuspecting and are not to blame. Survivor’s need to let go of guilt and be reminded that they are loved and valuable.
4. Regain self-confidence. Survivors need to develop new coping skills to deal with the trauma and it’s symptoms and to reclaim their life. They need encouragement to keep trying and they need support when they feel overwhelmed and when they fail. Their self-confidence will come back as they find the strength to face their fears and prove to themselves that they can function - they can trust again; they can work and achieve; they can live a normal and happy life again.
5. Resume a normal lifestyle. It’s important for survivor’s to return to their friends, job, school, church, hobbies, and routines. Don’t give in to defensive reactions to isolate from people or avoid activities. Hiding is dangerous and leads to increasing fears, continuing pain, and declining self-esteem and self-confidence. Getting support and staying active will keep survivors on the path of recovery.
6. Rekindle faith. God cares and can help. The Scriptures promise, “The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.” “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 9:9, 34:18). Hang onto God. Talk to him about how you feel, even if you’re angry at him about what happened. Ask for his help in your recovery and use the aid he’s provided in the Bible and in the church.