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William Gaultiere, Ph.D.
Director of New Hope & Clinical Psychologist
ChristianSoulCare.com
Question:
Hi Dr. Bill. I’m concerned that my 12-year old
son doesn’t have a good conscience. Sean was caught cheating
at school and doesn’t think it’s a big deal. It was the same
when he lied to me about why he was late coming home from school.
His younger brother Beau is the opposite. He does whatever I
ask him to do and always tries not to hurt other people’s feelings.
The other thing is that Sean hates going to church with Beau and
I. What’s wrong with Sean’s conscience?
Sincerely,
Karen
Answer:
An essential part of a child’s character is a
conscience that guides him or her in the world of relationships
and decision-making. Some people say that the conscience is the
voice of God, but that’s not true. In reality it’s the part of
the self that is meant to hear God; it’s an imperfect vehicle
that God wants to use to convict us of sin and lead us to what
is good. The value of a good conscience is portrayed in the story
of “Pinocchio.” Pinocchio is wooden boy puppet with a talking
cricket named Jiminy for a conscience. When his father Geppetto
sends him off to school for the first time Pinocchio is followed
by his wise and caring friend, Jiminy Cricket. But Pinocchio
spurns Jiminy and follows two other boys who entice him to “Pleasure
Island,” where the fun is short-lived and he finds himself enslaved
by a vicious master and starting to turn into a donkey! Finally,
Jiminy finds Pinocchio and helps him to escape the hellish island.
So Pinocchio realizes that Jiminy Cricket is his true friend and
because he learns to listen to his conscience the Blue Fairy turns
him into a real boy.
You’re right to be concerned about Sean’s conscience.
As a parent you need to take a proactive role in helping he and
Beau develop loving and holy consciences so that they too can
become real – living souls that bear God’s image. By giving
grace (being compassionate and kind) and honoring truth (providing
discipline and guidance) with your children you can shape their
consciences according to Biblical values. This is because over
time they will internalize what and how you and other significant
people in their lives communicate with them. (The younger they
are the more readily they absorb what you offer.) They will learn
to talk to themselves with the same words and tone that you and
their father use with them. They will adopt similar values as
the people they look up to and hang out with.
Somewhere Sean has picked up disrespect for others
and for rules. You didn’t mention his father, but sometimes boys
with a father who is harsh or absent develop rebelliousness and
disregard for the needs of others. For some reason he seems to
be reacting angrily, pushing away from your values and your God.
He doesn’t see that living by God’s wisdom is good for him; respecting
rules and considering others helps him too. It may be that he
has indeed internalized your morals, but feels them to be harsh
and restricting.
It sounds like Sean’s younger brother Beau is
a nice and respectful boy. I’m actually concerned for his conscience
as well though. My concern with him would be to see him make
godly values his own. Right now he seems to be doing what’s
right to make you happy, but that won’t last as he gets older
and we wouldn’t want it to. He may have what the Apostle Paul
calls a “weak” or legalistic conscience that causes him guilt
even when he does nothing wrong (1 Corinthians 8:7-12). If that’s
the case then he’s behaving well, not so much because he knows
its right and good for him, but because he’s scared of your disapproval
and the guilt feelings that follow. It’s important that Beau
develop his own conscience.
Think of a conscience as being like a compass.
My 12-year old son David is a Boy Scout and he’s learned to how
find his way out in the wilderness with a map and a compass.
It’s called “orienteering.” It’s a mystery to me how he does
this, but all by himself he can find where he is on a map and
which direction according to his compass that he needs to go to
get to camp and then back home again. To find his way in life
he needs to read his Bible like a map. But the Bible alone isn’t
enough because he needs to be able to understand and apply it.
That’s where his conscience comes in; it’s the compass that enables
him to find where he is on the map and which direction he’s heading
spiritually. A good conscience is oriented on God’s grace and
truth and it guides a person according to Biblical morality even
when he or she is without direction from a parent or a godly friend.
You know a conscience is good if it sounds like God does in the
Bible, a God who is for us, not against us! (Romans 8:31). As
kids get older they need their conscience more because they become
increasingly independent of their parent’s influence. You’re
experiencing this pressure now with Sean. He needs to develop
a conscience that is sensitive to the compassionate and wise voice
of the indwelling Holy Spirit, who is our “Counselor,” “Comforter,”
“Encourager,” and “Advocate” (John 14:16,28; 15:26; 16:7, Amplified
Bible).
So, our conscience is only as good as our ability
to discern God’s voice. The Apostle Paul in his second letter
to the Corinthians gives us some very important instruction about
the conscience. He says that we want our consciences to prompt
us to feel “godly sorrow,” not “worldly sorrow.” “Godly sorrow
brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret,
but worldly sorrow brings death” (2 Corinthians 7:10, NIV). An
angry and condemning conscience is worldly sorrow at work. It
drives a person to self-criticism, guilt, shame, and isolation.
That’s depressing, isn’t it? (I’ve experienced it at times, as
I’m sure you have too.) It’s because this worldly sorrow is so
painful that most people become legalistic in an attempt to avoid
guilt (this is the “weak conscience” that is referred to in 1
Corinthians 8:7-12) or make light of sin, “suppressing the truth”
and disregarding their conscience altogether (this is the “senseless
conscience” that is described in Romans 1:18-32).
God’s way of convicting us is so different! He
speaks the truth to us in a gracious way; He comes to us in love
and shows us how our sin has hurt ourselves, others, and Him,
which motivates us to feel sad instead of bad, sorry instead of
guilty. We miss being connected with Him and we don’t want to
hurt someone we love so we turn back to God and His ways; we realize
that His wisdom is sweet to our souls and so we return to putting
our trust in the God of grace and truth. You want to relate with
your boys like God does. Extend them grace whenever you can through
kind words, listening, generous gifts, fun activities together,
and respecting their emerging independence. (Without a caring,
connecting relationship with your boys in which they trust that
you have their welfare at heart you won’t have much influence
to shape their consciences with God’s truth.) Be sure that everyone
is clear on your basic house rules and enforce them. Look for
opportunities when they’re receptive to be taught principles from
God’s word. Often the best way to do this with school-aged kids
is to ask them what they think about the various moral issues
that you come across every day. And be prepared to discipline
them when they stray. Sean especially seems to need this. As
long as he lives under your care you can insist (in a positive
way!) that he go to church with you. Hopefully, the school punished
him for cheating because he needs to experience the negative consequences
of bad choices like that.
Your goal is to help your child develop a conscience
that is sensitive and responsive to God’s grace and truth. Then
your child’s conscience will be his best friend!
William Gaultiere, Ph.D. is the Executive Director
of the New Hope Crisis Counseling Center at the Crystal Cathedral
and a Clinical Psychologist and Spiritual Director with ChristianSoulCare.com.
On his website you can sign up for a free inspirational devotional
e-mail.
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