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William Gaultiere, Ph.D. Director of New Hope & Clinical Psychologist with ChristianSoulCare.com

Question:

Hi, Dr. Bill  My two girls, ages 7 and 9, seem to argue every day.  They hurt each other and then won't play together or be nice to each other for days.  I feel horrible when this happens.  I''m raising them in a Christian home and I want them to learn to forgive.  What can I do?

Answer:

It sounds like the conflict between your daughters is eating at you.  The temptation for most parents is to play referee when their children argue and try to eliminate the noise and stress by shutting it down.  Or, you can take the opposite tack, and just tune it out and detach.  My wife Kristi and I have played it both ways, as I imagine you have too.  We've learned though to take the role of coach.  This takes quite a bit of self-restraint and energy (which is why we find it easy to lapse into "fixing" the conflict or ignoring it!).  It's more effective though to do what a good coach does: Observe the problem and give them a chance to work it out and come to a solution on their own and then step in and guide their process as needed. 

With sibling conflict this means inviting them to understand one another and soliciting their ideas on how they can work it out.  It's unrealistic to try to eliminate your kids' arguments, but it is realistic and very important to teach them to say, "I'm sorry" when they hurt someone and "I forgive you" when they've been wronged.  Learning this while they're young will pay dividends in their relationships for the rest of their lives, not only with their future spouse, family, and friends, but also with God. 

"I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" are some of the hardest words to say, aren't they?  I know how hard they are for me to say sometimes.  And I see how hard they are for many of the people who consult me for psychotherapy.  I especially see this in the marriage counseling I do.  Often, husbands and wives don't know how to repair the wounds they give each other.  I told a Christian couple just today that there marriage was like a frog that they were boiling to death by turning up the heat one degree at a time!  Just like the frog that won't jump out of the increasingly hot water until it's to late so also many couples get used to living with unresolved conflicts, hurt feelings, and bitterness.  This breaks my heart every time I see it because I know the soul friendship that they're missing out on.  Why don't they share their hearts and seek to understand and comfort one another?  Because they've buried their hurts and put walls up, probably like they learned to do as children in their families of origin. 

I was pleased to hear from my wife Kristi the other day that she overheard a friend say to Jenny, "I'm sorry I was being mean to you yesterday.  I don't know why I did that when you're my friend."  Jenny replied, "That's okay.  I forgive you."  It was one of those moments where as a parent you breathe a sigh of relief and say, "Oh, thank God.  I think what we're doing is working!"  We have to hold onto to those moments and remind each other of them often because, frankly, most days it seems like what we're trying to teach our kids as parents isn't working!

For me, it seems that the most powerful lessons I've given my kids on forgiveness have been the result of my own parental failings!  For instance, a few years ago on a rainy Saturday I was caring for all three of my kids while Kristi was getting a much-needed break from mothering.  I was taking my son, David, and my oldest daughter, Jenny, to an Awana's activity day and we were late getting back from Jenny's soccer game.  We made a quick stop at home and I told Jenny to take her cleats off and get some tennis shoes on.  She took an unreasonably long time, but finally we were in the car.  When we got to the church I went to open the back door of the car and there was Jenny in her sandals!  How was she going to race and jump and play games in the church gym wearing sandals?  I lost my temper and slammed the car door and then gave her a scolding.  Immediately, I felt terrible about myself.  I didn't want to deal with the issue so I whisked David and Jenny off into the church. 

And then my youngest daughter, Briana, who was five at the time, and I were to begin our "Daddy date," reading books at the bookstore.  I wanted to scream or crawl in a hole somewhere!  How could I smile, sit Briana in my lap, and patiently read stories with her after what I just did?  Fortunately, like a good golfer (which I am not!) who hit a bad shot I made a good recovery shot.  As I was driving Briana to the bookstore, I assessed what happened.  I realized that I had been feeling time-pressured and angry.  And that now I felt guilty for how I handled the situation and was starting to feel ashamed as a father.  Then I told myself that I wasn't "all bad" as a father or a person, but I had just made a mistake.  I asked for and received forgiveness from God.  I reminded myself of my good qualities, like taking that "daddy date" with Briana!  I thought about how Jenny (and her brother and sister) may have felt criticized and scared when I lost my temper.  Finally, I asked for forgiveness from each of my kids for slamming the door and being overly harsh and I asked them how they felt about the incident and listened.

God brought something good out of what was bad.  He helped us to recover.  He led me out of shame and into feeling sad that I hurt my kids and acted out of character.  He gave me the strength to apologize and to offer comfort to each of my kids.  They forgave me readily and learned a lesson, not only about forgiving, but also about talking through conflicts and hurt feelings.

The gospel is the most wonderful news there is!  Do you ever just stand back and marvel at what God has done by becoming Emanuel, "God with us"?  I get choked up just thinking about it.  He's made you and I and our children His temple (1 Corinthians 6:19).  His life - His grace and truth, His perfect love and glorious identity - lives in our souls!  Of course, this is only possible because He's forgiven us of our sins.  The sin of humanity's first parents, Adam and Eve, has been passed onto to us and our children through our genetic code and we too have eaten the spoiled fruit of sin, choosing to hurt one another, ourselves, and our God who loves so incredibly.

So our children need to receive God's forgiveness for their sins and they need to learn it from us.  "Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Colossians 3:13, NIV), the Apostle Paul exhorts us.  By forgiving others we're serving as Christ's ambassadors of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:20), imparting God's forgiveness on his behalf.  This is quite astounding.  I don't think we grasp the gravity of this responsibility, the possibility of this opportunity!  Jesus taught us, "If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven" (John 20:23, NIV).  Indeed, I have observed many times that if a child doesn't learn forgiveness from a parent then that child will have difficulty understanding God's mercy and grace and will struggle with relationships until he or she gets help.

In closing, I'd like to offer a few practical examples on how we as parents can share God's forgiveness with our children. 

William Gaultiere, Ph.D. is the Executive Director of the New Hope Crisis Counseling Center at the Crystal Cathedral and a Clinical Psychologist and Spiritual Director with ChristianSoulCare.com.  On his website you can sign up for a free inspirational devotional e-mail.