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Dr. Bill Gaultiere
(714) 971-4213,
DrBill@CrystalCathedral.org
Director of New Hope & Psychologist with ChristianSoulCare.com

Next to trusting God day-by-day, walking through life with spiritual friends is the most important thing you could do in your life. 

Most important?  Yes!  In a sense, having at least one spiritual friend is even more important than reading the Bible and prayer!  I (Bill) know that sounds blasphemous, but consider the fact that except as we learn to love and be loved in relationships we can't make sense of what we read in the Bible or grasp in faith the presence of the God we pray to!

Every person needs at least one essential friend to share their heart with and to encourage them in their relationship with God and in life.  Some refer to a friend like this as a best friend, soul mate, spiritual friend, sacred companion, or prayer partner. 

Whatever we call it, what we're talking about is a friend that you feel safe with to share honestly about your struggles and growth, your hurts and your hopes, and to do this as unto Christ.  In this friendship you look to one another as "Christ's Ambassadors" of love.  That doesn't necessarily mean that you talk about God most of the time or even that you go to church together.  It means that you invite and sense God's presence in this friendship and this person draws you closer to God and helps you to become more like Christ.

Isn't a spiritual friendship like that just for pastors and people in ministry?  No!  Every Christian needs a friend like that!

Kristi and I are going to talk to you about developing friendships like this.  More than that, we're going to show you from our own lives how to trust God to help you grow closer to him by stretching yourself to be more intentional in your conversations with others.  And this will strengthen you for New Hope Counseling and all your ministry.

PRAYER

Dear God we give you our praise.  Father thank you for watching over us.  Jesus we ask you to be our teacher in this class.  Holy Spirit we want to be aware of and welcoming of your Spirit as we discuss spiritual friendship.  In Jesus' name we pray.  Amen.

Reflect on these words of the Apostle Paul from Holy Scripture:

"I long to visit you so I can share a spiritual blessing with you that will help you grow strong in the Lord. I'm eager to encourage you in your faith, but I also want to be encouraged by yours. In this way, each of us will be a blessing to the other" (Romans 1:11-12, NLT). 

Think about someone you'd like to live that verse with.  Perhaps a friend or a family member.  Or someone you'd like to have as a friend.

Now in your own words, ask Jesus, by his Spirit, to teach you and help you during this class to grow this relationship into the spiritual friendship that he desires for you..

WE ALL NEED A SOUL MATE

Two years ago in my Christ's Ambassadors Spiritual Growth Group with five other New Hope Counselors one of the books we read together was Letters by a Modern Mystic by Frank Laubach.  He riveted by soul with these words:

"We really seldom do anybody much good excepting as we share the deepest experiences of our souls" (Practicing His Presence, p. 3)

Again and again the Scriptures remind us and show us that we need "deep-spirited friends" (Philippians 2:2b, MSG), even referring to such friends as "saints" and "glorious ones" for us to put all our "delight" in! (Psalm 16:3, NIV).  Imagine how beautiful and loving and profoundly transforming our friendships with one another would become if we delighted in God's saintliness and glory in one another!  As deep-spirited friends we would help one another to live with divine purpose: 

• We'd inspire one another to worship God, speaking "to one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs" (Ephesians 5:19, NIV). 
• We'd encourage one another to "grow strong in the Lord" by sharing "a spiritual blessing" (Romans 1:11-12, NIV). 
• We'd strengthen one another to serve God with "outbursts of love and good deeds" (Hebrews 10:24, NIV). 

A spiritual friendship is a very special kind of relationship that is distinct from other types of companionship. 

"Fellowship," Ray Ortlund explains, "isn't two people looking at each other; it's two people looking away together at something else - at Christ and His purposes" (Lord Make My Life a Miracle, p. 69). 

"Until Christ is formed in you" (Galatians 4:19b, NKJV) - this is the glorious goal of spiritual friendship, as well as of spiritual mentoring (or discipleship as Jesus practiced it) which is similar to spiritual friendship, but more directed and less mutual.  David Benner calls friends like these "Sacred Companions" (this is the title of his helpful book on spiritual friendship and spiritual direction). 

This Christ-forming sacred companionship is the kind of friendship that David had with Jonathan, Ruth had with Naomi, and Paul had with Barnabas.  Even Jesus himself relied on his spiritual friendships with Peter, James, and John!  (We'll discuss these examples later.)

The foundation of deep-spirited friendships is the Trinity.  In God's very nature he is a community!  One Lord in three persons; one God in Father, Son, and Spirit.  Always they have loved and honored one another and always they will.  Every movement in the Trinity is one of love, joy, and peace.

Jesus came to show us that we can be a part of this community and become a friend to him and his Father and the Spirit.  Jesus said, "As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. You are my friends" (John 15:9a, 14a, NIV).  Is that amazing or what?  The Creator, our Lord and Master, the King of all kings, wants to be our Friend!  In fact, he prayed specifically for you and I that we might enter into the Trinity's community of love and glory (John 17:21). 

Oh, to be a friend of the Father, the Son, and the Spirit!  Life doesn't get any better than that!  Spiritual friendships help us to grasp in our hearts this wonderful friendship of God and share it with others.  Deep-spirited friends are Christ's Ambassadors to one another (2 Corinthians 5:20).

HOW TO DEVELOP A SOUL MATE: P-R-A-Y

I've (Kristi) learned that to develop spiritual friendships takes time and effort.  You have to work at the relationships - with God!  Most of all you need to P-R-A-Y.  There are four ways that I've found it helpful to rely on God to help me grow soul friendships:

Petition God: Ask God for a "deep-spirited friend."  

Matthew 7:7-8: "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

Risk: Initiate by asking to get together, address conflicts graciously, stay committed through inevitable disappointments.

Affiliate: Share spiritual activities, ask about and share on spiritual lives, open your heart, attach

Yield: To God and to one another.  Let the Spirit lead; don't try to control with your agendas.  Tune into God's presence and action while sharing with your friend and respond.

SPIRITUAL FRIENDSHIP EXERCISE (Part 1)

I (Bill) want to share with you an exercise that Kristi and did on our recent retreat with "The Journey" program.  Chuck Miller did this with us to help us to grow in spiritual friendship.  Here's what you need to do: Get out a blank piece of paper and write the names of anyone who when asked, "Who are your friends?" would identify you as one of their friends.  This is a little different than writing down the names of your friends.  You're answering the question, "Who thinks of you as a friend?"  Write as many names as you can think of.  Do that now.

At the end of these class notes I'll tell you what to do next.  I’m not telling you now to encourage you not to peek!  C'mon, you're probably reading these words before you made your list!  Stop now.  Take a few minutes and write your list.  Later, I'll tell you what to do with it.

SOLITUTDE AND SOUL FRIENDSHIP

"But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed" (Luke 5:16, NIV).  Withdrawing into solitude might seem to be a movement that conflicts with spiritual friendship.  But Jesus knew that he needed private times alone with his Father also and so he often stopped his ministering to the clamoring crowds of people to get alone with the Father.  This was so important to him that sometimes he'd give up food or sleep in order to pray in private.  The strength he found in solitude strengthened him for ministering to others, as Mark observed and reported in his gospel: "Jesus could no longer enter a town openly but stayed outside in lonely places. Yet the people still came to him from everywhere" (Mark 1:45b, NIV).

The saints of God in Scripture and throughout history have had this same custom.  We need times for quiet aloneness and prayerful reflection just as much as we need times for deep heart sharing and soul communion with friends. 

When we spend time alone we may have to pray through restless fidgeting or anxious ruminating in order to get centered and still before God to hear his voice, but then we come to a deep sense of peace.  The words and warmth we receive in private from God we can share with our friends. 

• "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" (Psalm 27:14, NIV).
• "Be still. and know. that I am.God. Be still. and know. that I am.  Be still. and know.  Be still.  Be.  Be." (Psalm 46:10, NIV).

And when we converse deeply with one another we may have to work through relational fears and conflicts, but when we establish trust we discover a visible, auditory, tactile opportunity to talk with and listen to God through our friend.  Our friend becomes Christ's Ambassador to us.  The care and comfort we share with our friends strengthens our faith in times that we're walking alone with God in the dark. 

• "We are therefore Christ's Ambassadors as though God were making his appeal through us.  We implore you on Christ's behalf: be reconciled to God. Become a friend to God; he's already a friend to you" (2 Corinthians 5:20, NIV & MSG).
• "Just as lotions and fragrance give sensual delight, a sweet friendship refreshes the soul" (Proverbs 27:9, MSG). 

If we get into a rhythm with solitude and spiritual friendship then we find that each enriches the other. 

It's hard for many people to keep the balance of being with God in aloneness and in community.  Extroverts (like Kristi), of course, are drawn to spend time with people because talking with others energizes them, they may need encouragement though to work at deepening their relationships and focusing on spiritual aspects.  Introverts, like me (Bill), are on the other end of the spectrum and are more naturally contemplative and drawn to spend time alone with God in solitude and so need to work more on pursuing spiritual friendships. 

CAUTION!

Briefly Bill and I (Kristi) want to mention a few things you want to avoid when you're offering spiritual care to a friend.

1.       Don't judge!  Always be gracious. Matthew 7:1-2" "Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

2.       Don't give spiritual advice ("The Bible says you should ______.")  Let the "Spirit of Truth" teach and guide.  Instead ask questions that invite your friend to seek God's wisdom.

3.       Don't become too dependent. A Sacred Companion should help you to rely more and more on God. This has been an issue that I've (Kristi) had to work on with Bill.  I've learned to sometimes not go to Bill, but to pray and journal first.  And I've learned to look to Jesus in Bill. 

4.       Don't worry about what your friend thinks about you; don't try to manage your image and reputation; Live for the audience of One.

5.       Don't give spiritual reassurance.  ("Don't feel _______.  God will take care of you.").  Accept your friend's struggle.  Be patient.  Offer God's comfort through the spiritual hospitality of listening with your heart and prayers.

6.       Don't create God in your friend's image.  See your friend as an "Ambassador for Christ" and a "Sacred Companion" who shares God's grace with you and encourages you to follow Jesus as your apprentice for all of life.

SOUL MATES IN BIBLE TIMES AND TODAY

• "What are you learning in your quiet times with the Lord?" 
• "How's it going in your prayer life?"
• "What's God been speaking to you lately?" 

How do you develop a friend like this?  Be a friend like that!  Offer spiritual friendship to someone else, maybe even a friend who is already in your life.  Try becoming more intentional about spiritual things in a current friendship; move deeper into the realm of the soul by discussing your relationship with Jesus - your struggles and your joys in your faith journey - and asking open spiritual questions (like those above) to invite your friend to share.  What you want to get to is prayer - inviting God into the conversation is what spiritual friendship is really all about.  When two people pray for one another it connects their spirits with God and one another.

Often the easiest way to start a spiritual friendship is simply by sharing a spiritual experience together that may naturally lead to conversation about relationship God and prayer.  For instance, Kristi and I (Bill) like to read Christian devotional books and discuss them and have done this with such classics as, "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren, "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers, "Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman, and "Devotional Classics," by Richard Foster and James Bryan Smith.  We also enjoy sharing spiritual movies, hikes, conferences, and retreats at a local monastery.  But the most important thing we do is to pray together every day.  Dr.'s Dave and Jan Stoop, our mentors, encouraged us to do this years ago for our marriage and faith and we've found that even just a few minutes together in prayer is a wonderful way to conclude our evening soul talk and settle into sleep!

It may seem intimidating to you dive into spiritual conversations with a friend!  Many people feel that way.  I have.  In the mid 1990's I found myself lonely for a male spiritual friend to meet with regularly.  The friend I had been meeting with moved away and, as I just said, Steve was in Cleveland.  So I began to pray that God would help me to find another Christian man who I respected and felt safe with, someone that I could meet with regularly for sharing our hearts and our relationships with God and praying together.  I had prayed for this steadily for a year and still didn't know where to turn.  Then finally I met Bucky, the Family Ministries Pastor at Mariners Church, and, knowing that he liked to jog, I got up my courage to ask him if he'd like to get together to jog, talk, and pray together sometime and maybe do this regularly if we both decided we wanted that.  It felt like when I was a kid and I call on a friend and say, "Do you want to play with me?"  We've been doing this semi-weekly ever since!

Like I did you'll probably have to take a hold of courage to deepen a friendship or start a new one.  One woman in a spiritual growth group told me, "People tell me I'm too spiritual when I ask spiritual questions so I hold back."  I and the others in our group rallied around her to affirm her precious spirit and her eagerness to grow closer to the Lord.  She needed to see that friends who were judgmental or quick to give advice were not good candidates for spiritual friendship!  Instead she needed to bring her spiritual needs to gracious people who are good listeners and share her interest in spiritual growth.  In our group she learned what this was like.  She disclosed her spiritual struggles, longings, and intimacies and was affirmed.  And she also discovered the joy of being a blessing to others!  This gave her an experiential reference point for developing spiritual friendships in her life.  Today she's part of a group of people that meet regularly to pray for one another and to develop programs to share the gospel with young people.

My (Kristi's) mother modeled spiritual friendship to me.  For years I watched her get together with close friends for prayer and for Bible Study.  Sometimes when they met in our house and I was around I'd listen to them praying and hear them share with concerns for me!  I admired the closeness they shared with one another and the Lord.

Sometimes a particular spiritual friendship is just for a season in your life because your life contexts change.  Jennifer became a spiritual friend when I was in college at Christian university.  She prayed with me and encouraged me when I met Bill.  Our friendship diminished when we were dating!

When I was married and in graduate school I became very lonely for a female spiritual friend and I met a woman named Sue and for two years we got together to pray and encourage one another.

Then the Lord led Bill and me into a couples small group at church and I met a woman named Debbie.  The first year in that group I worked at developing a relationship withd Debbie and we became prayer partners.  We walked and talked and prayed for one another and our young children.  Often we did so as we pushed our kids in strollers around the lake near our house.  We encouraged one another in our relationship with the Lord.  That relationship lasted ten years and then she moved away.

Recently, Bill and I joined a group of pastors and Christian leaders in a retreat-based program of spiritual formation.  It's called "The Journey" and we're developing spiritual friendships with people there as we worship, learn, practice spiritual disciplines, converse and pray. 

SPIRITUAL FRIENDSHIP EXERCISE (Part 2)

Did you think I forgot?  Get out your list of names of everyone you could think of who would say that you are a friend to him or her.

Concerning one or two of the people on this maybe you'd like to pray that your relationship would blossom in spiritual friendship along the lines of what we've discussed here.

Now here's the main point of this exercise.  Do you have your list of names?  Is Jesus' name on that list?  Probably not.  And yet, right before I asked you to make your list I talked to you about how each of us could become a friend to the Father, Son, and Spirit and I read to you Jesus saying, "You are my friends" (John 15:14a). 

If Jesus wasn't on your list don't feel bad.  I didn't think to put him on my list when I did this exercise either - almost no one does!  You can learn to appreciate that Jesus thinks particularly of you as his friend and he does the same for me.

SHARING IN SPIRITUAL CONVERSATION

Here's another exercise.  You need to practice this with a friend (it can be in person, over the phone, or via Instant Messenger).  I (Bill) am introducing here the basics of having a spiritual conversation.  The caring and skills in this process are very similar to our A-B-C's of New Hope Counseling, but the purpose is different.  In counseling we're responding to someone's hurts by offering comfort and we're helping them overcome a struggle.  In spiritual conversation (for spiritual direction/mentoring/friendship) the purpose is to facilitate growing intimacy with God. 

When you're welcoming of and conscious of God's presence then the conversation of two becomes a conversation of three and talk becomes prayer.  All you need to add to your New Hope A-B-C's is a kind of prayerfulness by using the conversation as an opportunity to intentionally connect with God and become attuned to what God is saying and doing.

Instructions for Sacred Companions:

Pair off and take turns being a Sacred Companion for one another on your journey with God as Pilgrims.  Allow twelve minutes for each of you to practice being a Sacred Companion for a Pilgrim by offering the gifts of spiritual hospitality and prayer.

1. Invite the Pilgrim to share on his/her relationship with God with by asking a salty question like, "When have you sensed God's presence recently?"  (Alternatives: "What is God speaking to your heart?"  "What has God been doing in your life?"  "How have you been experiencing God lately?"  "How are you experiencing God right now?")  Then as you listen help the Pilgrim to notice examples of God's care and action in his or her life by asking inviting open questions, reflecting feelings, and summarizing spiritual experiences.  5 minutes.
2. Transition the Pilgrim into considering an action step by asking an illuminating/guiding question like, "What do you think God is leading you to do?"  (Alternatives: "What is God teaching you about improving your relationship with him?"  "What has God said to you from his Word that you want to work on?"  "What would you like to do to grow closer to God this week?")  Persist with asking gentle, probing questions aimed at helping the Pilgrim think about what he or she needs to work on with God.  4 minutes.
3. Help the Pilgrim pick up the Keys to the Kingdom by offering to pray for his or her relationship with God along the lines of what has been shared.  If the Pilgrim's prayer request is unclear then ask something like, "How can we pray for your relationship with God?"  (Alternatives: "How can I pray for your spiritual growth?"  "What would you like us to ask God to do in your life?')  Pray in faith, calling upon God's grace and power on behalf of the Pilgrim's specific request(s).  3 minutes

PRACTICE THE BIBLE'S "ONE ANOTHERS"

This medley of 22 "One Anothers" from God's Word (there are a total of 56 in the NIV New Testament!) represents the heart of what it means to be soul mates who are "deep-spirited friends" (Philippians 2:2b, MSG).  These are the spiritual blessings of God's love that we long for from "one another". 

It's best to read these Scriptures with a spiritual friend or a group and take turns reading the verses.  Then you can do this as a responsive reading in which those who listen respond after each verse is read by saying, "Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God" (1 John 4:7a, KJV).

Or if you want to do it alone with God then after you read each verse pause to pray for yourself and your spiritual friend(s), "Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God."

1. "As I [Jesus] have loved you, so you must love one another.  By this all men will know that you are my disciples" (John 13:34b-35a).
2. "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves" (Romans 12:10).
3. "Live in harmony with one another" (Romans 12:16a).
4. "Stop passing judgment on one another" (Romans 14:13b).
5. "Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you" (Romans 15:7a).
6. "Instruct one another" (Romans 15:14b).
7. "Greet one another" (1 Corinthians 1:10).
8. "Serve one another in love" (Galatians 5:13).
9. "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love" (Ephesians 4:2).
10. "Be kind and compassionate to one another" (Ephesians 4:32).
11. "Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs" (Ephesians 5:19).
12. "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21).
13. "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Colossians 3:13).
14. "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom" (Colossians 3:16a).
15. "Encourage one another and build each other up" (1 Thessalonians 5:11b).
16. "Spur one another on toward love and good deeds" (Hebrews 10:24b).
17. "Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another" (Hebrews 10:25a).
18. "Do not slander one another" (James 4:11b).
19. "Love one another deeply, from the heart" (1 Peter 1:22b).
20. "Offer hospitality to one another" (1 Peter 4:9a).
21. "Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another" (1 Peter 5:5b).
22. "If we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another" (1 John 1:7a).

LECTIO DIVINA: "Igniting Holy Fire in Deep Discussion"

Luke tells the story of two disciples who walked and talked soul-fully on the Emmaus Road and Jesus warmed their hearts.  This is an example and picture of spiritual friendship.  Let's share in a way of meditating on Scripture that helps you enter into it.

St. Ignatius of Loyola (1491 - 1556) was converted to Christ by reading gospel stories that engaged his imagination.  He developed a style of meditation that emphasized imagining yourself with Jesus in selected gospel texts.  Ignatius' followers, called "Jesuits", and many other Christians meditate on Scripture using a process like this:

1. Silence.  Quiet yourself and focus your conscious awareness on God's loving presence.
2. Gospel.  Read the selected gospel passage.  Focus on Jesus and notice details.
3. Pick a place in the story.  Find the place in the story that you need to be.  Stand in the place of the character you identify with, be an observer, or companion someone in the story.
4. Petition.  Ask the Lord for what you need from him in your time of contemplation.
5. Enter the story.  Re-read the story.  Use your all your senses - see, hear, touch, smell, taste - to re-create the story with you in it.
6. Listen.  Stay in the story as you wait for God to show you (in pictures) or tell you (in words) what this passage means for you personally.
7. Respond.  Talk to God about what he's revealed to you.

Luke 24:13-32

Now that same day two of them were going to a village called Emmaus, about seven miles from Jerusalem.  They were talking with each other about everything that had happened.  As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; but they were kept from recognizing him.

He asked them, "What are you discussing together as you walk along?"

They stood still, their faces downcast.  One of them, named Cleopas, asked him, "Are you only a visitor to Jerusalem and do not know the things that have happened there in these days?"

"What things?" he asked.

"About Jesus of Nazareth," they replied. "He was a prophet, powerful in word and deed before God and all the people. The chief priests and our rulers handed him over to be sentenced to death, and they crucified him; but we had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem Israel. And what is more, it is the third day since all this took place. In addition, some of our women amazed us. They went to the tomb early this morning but didn't find his body. They came and told us that they had seen a vision of angels, who said he was alive.  Then some of our companions went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said, but him they did not see."

He said to them, "How foolish you are, and how slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken!  Did not the Christ have to suffer these things and then enter his glory?"  And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself.

As they approached the village to which they were going, Jesus acted as if he were going farther.  But they urged him strongly, "Stay with us, for it is nearly evening; the day is almost over." So he went in to stay with them.

When he was at the table with them, he took bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them.  Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight.  They asked each other, "Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?"