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Dr. Bill Gaultiere
(714) 971-4213,
DrBill@CrystalCathedral.org

This CE class focuses on understanding sexual addiction and the recovery process and how to use New Hope Counseling with someone who wants help from a compulsive behavior problem. 

Remember to complete the attached exam for New Hope CE credit.  Perfect CE attendance (either live class OR tape/notes & exam) for all classes in 2001 will receive a special certificate and award!

SECRET ADDICTION

Sex addiction is perhaps the most hidden and widespread of all addictions.  Those caught in its grip suffer from shame and isolation.  They harm themselves and others.

SEX ADDICTS WHO CALL NEW HOPE

Unfortunately, often when they call us they're not seeking help, but to use us by engaging in some form of phone sex.  "Sex calls" include flirting, using a sensual tone, discussing sexual details in order to arouse, or masturbating over the phone.  This is obviously inappropriate!  It's a violation of the counselor and of New Hope. 

You need to set firm boundaries on calls like these!  Say something like, "It seems you're being inappropriate unless you ask for help sincerely I will need to hang up."

This class will help you to better understand these callers and feel compassion for them.

EXAMPLES OF COMPULSIVE SEXUAL BEHAVIOR (These are all "Christian" people I've talked to.)

A couple regularly watches X-rated videos together to "get in the mood."

A man's wife catches him looking at pornography from their home computer.

A married woman feels guilty and confused that she enjoys deviant, violent sex with her husband.

A young man continues to make harassing sexual phone calls to women even when on probation.

A married woman can't resist the temptation to have sexual conversations with men in chat rooms.

A man risks going back to jail by frequenting a public park looking for sex with other men.

A man masturbates to pornography daily and obsesses about trying to look down women's shirts.

A single woman in her 20's repeatedly gets into short-term sexual relationships with other men.

A single man calls a gay sex line to hook up with another man for sex.

A male therapist cheats on his live-in girlfriend again, this time with a patient.

A minister who travels frequently uses pornographic videos and magazines in his hotel room.

WHAT IS SEX ADDICTION?

Not everyone who engages in inappropriate sex is a sex addict.  Addicts are compulsive about sex and they se it as their "drug of choice."

Do you remember the eight symptoms of compulsive behavior I've taught before?  I remember them using the acronym A-N A-D-D-I-C-T.  They apply to any addiction.  (See my article, "New Hope for Aholics.")  Three or four yes answers out of eight suggest a need for formal diagnosis and treatment from a psychologist.  (Refer to my self-tests "Are You a Sex Addict?" or "Is My Husband a Sex Addict?" for specific questions to ask a New Hope caller/chatter.)

A LONE?  Sex is not loving or relational for addicts.

N ON-PREMEDITATED USE?  Sex addicts don't think before they "act out" with inappropriate sex and they continue to do even though they know it's dangerous, causing problems, or wrong.

A MNESIA?  When sex addicts are in their "sexual zone" they lose track of time and obligations.

D EPEND ON HIGH?  Sex addicts use sex to feel good and they feel bad if they aren't getting sex. 

D ISTRACTED?  Sex addicts think about sex much of the time even when they should be thinking about something else.

I NCREASED TOLERANCE?  Sex addicts over time need more and more sex to feel ok.

C ONCEAL SUPPLY?  Sex addicts have a stash of porn or hide/lie about their access to inappropriate sex.

T RANQUILIZER?  Addicts use sex to feel better or to escape feelings of depression, guilt, or anxiety.

SEX ADDICTS TELL THEMSELVES LIES

"All men do this."

"It's no big deal.  Even the president did this."

"She wants this.  That's why she dressed that way or looked like that."

"You can get over this whenever you want to."

"You shouldn't tell anyone what you did.  Nobody could accept you."

"Nobody knows so it's not hurting anyone."

"You won't get caught."

"You need this.  You deserve it.  It's ok."

"You won't destroy your marriage."

SEX ADDICTS ARE WOUNDED

Mark Laaser, a Christian psychotherapist who specializes in treating sex addiction says the following about the childhoods of sex addicts.  4/5 have been sexually traumatized, ¾ have been physically abused, and almost 100% have been emotionally traumatized.  They've been violated and now they're violating others physically or in their heads.

Their basic needs for love, joy, peace, and esteem are largely unmet.  Sexual acting out seems to meet these needs, providing counterfits, lust, excitement, numbness, and power.

THE SEXUAL ADDICTION CYCLE

1.    Trauma/Pain.  As just mentioned, sex addicts are hurting.  Often they've been violated.  Usually, their basic emotional needs are unmet.  They feel the pain and emptiness and sense that they need and deserve something more.

2.    Fantasy.   They sexualize their conflicts and unmet needs through fantasy to feel better, but as the cycle illustrates this only adds to their pain.  Sex addicts may have a "full bar" in their heads, a library of videos, magazines, websites, or scenes that they call upon to get excited.  Fantasies are easily rationalized because no one knows.

3.    Rituals.  They prepare to act out sexually by engaging in repetitive, mindless behaviors.  Their excitement, arousal, and good feelings begin to build.  They rationalize these behaviors because they haven't done anything yet.  Examples include going to the ATM to load up on cash, cruising the public park or street where they've acted out, finding an excuse to go to a store near the sex shop, having a drink (to lower inhibitions), surfing the web.

4.    Sexual Acting Out.  They indulge in inappropriate, unhealthy sexual behaviors, as in the examples I referenced at the outset.  Acting out causes them more trauma and pain in the form of guilt, shame, isolation, conflict in relationships, unwanted pregnancy, and diseases.  The more they act out the easier it is to do in the future.  Sex becomes trivialized, increasingly detached from relationship, and may become increasing violent.

UNCOVERING UNDERLYING NEEDS (See Figure: "The Recovery Process: Needs and Steps")

People (even if they're not sex addicts) may misuse sex as a way to get love, joy, peace, or esteem.  It doesn't work.  They might get lust, excitement, numbness, or power.  God gave us sex as a gift to be celebrated in the context of an intimate, committed marriage.

Those who are insecure may use sex to get love.

Sex, especially illicit sex, can be exciting.  Physical pleasure, risks that are taken, sneaking, doing something wrong - all are exciting and combine to change the brain chemistry by activating morphine-like chemicals in the brain. 

Archibald Hart, a Clinical Psychologist, says that many people, even those who are not sex addicts, are "addicted to excitement."  They use excitement to get pleasure and raise their adrenaline, flooding the pleasure center in their brains.  He goes on to say that our pleasure centers need to rest regularly, even to the point of feeling bored for a time, so that we can enjoy life's simple and meaningful pleasures.

For some, sex - lots of it - enables them to get numb and to forget about their troubles or their pain.

Some people use sex to get power: male abusers angry at women (for abusing or depriving them), prostitutes angry at men, those who are angry at their spouse may "triangle in" another person.

STEPS TO FREEDOM (See Figure: "The Recovery Process: Needs and Steps")

1. Get Support and Accountability.  Addicts need to get desperate and cry out to God for help.  Step 1 in the 12 Steps is: "We admitted we were powerless over our dependency on sex, that our lives had become unmanageable."  12 Step groups (in the tradition of AA there are groups for sex addicts, like "Sex Addicts Anonymous" - see "New Hope Referrals") are very important, as addicts in recovery will hold other addicts accountable.  Groups provide opportunity for a sponsor, recovery friends, education, exercises.  Therapy is also important.  Note, a spouse is not a good person to hold a sex addict accountable, as it's too hurtful.  (Spouses of sex addicts can go to "COSA" or another co-dependency group.)

2. Seek Healthy Enjoyment.  For addicts to take away the excitement they get from acting out they need to add in new sources of enjoyment through hobbies and various simple pleasures like a walk in the park, playing with a child, a long conversation with a friend, a dip in the spa.  Enjoyment doesn't give the same "hit" of excitement that addicts want, but if they stay sober long enough, they find that joy is better, more meaningful and longer lasting.

3. Prepare Ahead to Reduce Temptation.  It's important for addicts to plan ahead in times of strength for future times of weakness/temptation.  This means things like, calling ahead to the hotel to ask them to turn off the sex channels, not letting yourself even drive near the porn shop, not having a credit card.  Also, it's helpful for addicts to set up an emergency kit with support system phone #'s, affirming statements, a picture of their inner child (who they need to care for and protect), family picture, a Bible verse, affirming statements, 12 Step workbook.

4. Talk it Out. Addicts need to learn to "talk it out" so they don't "act it out."  They need to learn that they can find relief, care, comfort, and help by talking about their struggles, feelings, and needs.  They need to learn to meet their needs in relationships.  They need to gain conscious control over their unconscious reactions.

NEW HOPE COUNSELING FOR SEX ADDICTS

1.   Set Boundaries on inappropriate, sexual conversation (If necessary.)

2.         Reflect Feelings / Identify Needs (Most important!  Assuming caller wants help.)

3.         Brainstorm Action Step

4.         Pray

5.         Offer Resource article (for screening, education) or Referral (support group or treatment)

NATIONAL REFERRALS FOR SEXUAL ISSUES (Including Sex Addiction and Partners of Sex Addicts)

There are almost two pages of options.  See the "New Hope Referral" manual in the phone room or go to www.NewHopeNow.org, then to "Referrals" and then look under "Sexuality." 


Recovery from Sex Addiction New Hope CE Exam