The New Hope Crisis Counseling Center Continuing Education Series
New Hope CE Notes
March 2002 Class Notes

William Gaultiere, Ph. D., Director of New Hope
(714) 971-4213
drbill@crystalcathedral.org
& Psychologist with ChristianSoulCare.com

WELCOME

We're going to talk about a group of people who desperately need our care and kindness.  A group of people who really struggle to feel God's love and need us to show it - the lonely.

This is a huge group of people - 1/3 of Americans report that they feel lonely, including 1/10 teens.  It's our most common call to 714-NEW-HOPE and www.NewHopeNow.org.

GOALS OF CLASS

1.   If you're lonely then I hope that you will take in understanding and encouragement to express the lovely person you are.

2.   If you haven't struggled with loneliness then you need to feel the pain of loneliness and understand what it's all about.

3.    And all of us need to be inspired and equipped to offer effective, caring New Hope Counseling to the lonely.

DO YOU KNOW THE PAIN OF LONELINESS?

To some degree I'm sure that you know what it feels like to be lonely.  I do.  I remember being very lonely as Christian teenager in public high school.  I wasn't plugged into a good church youth group and it seemed that most of my classmates were into partying, drinking, drugs or sex and I was overwhelmed, anxious and depressed.  And for the most part my family wasn't a place where I could talk about my feelings.  So I withdrew and was lonely until college. 

Then after four years of experiencing friendship and community in college I moved out to Orange County to go to graduate school and was lonely again for about a year.  My loneliness turned to loveliness when I married Kristi!  (And I sought help from a psychotherapist for help with my bonding deficits from childhood.)

If you've been lonely and if you've come out of it and into caring relationships then you're in a great place to extend compassion to callers and chatters who are lonely.

LONELINESS KILLS

Dr. Dean Ornish has done extensive research on loneliness.  He says, "People who are lonely, depressed and isolated are three to five times more likely to develop serious illnesses or to die prematurely than those who have closer ties with friends, relatives, and community members." (See his book, Love & Survival: The Scientific Basis for the Healing Power of Intimacy).

He cites a number of studies that show that love protects the body by calming the heart, lowering blood pressure, boosting the immune system, and reducing the destructive effects of anxiety.

He also cites studies demonstrating that touch has healing power for premature infants, asthma, diabetes, heart disease, cancer, depression, and other illnesses.

LONELINESS RE-CYCLES PAIN

1.       Mistreatment.  Abuse, boundary violations, criticism; rejection or abandonment; neglect (physical or emotional) are examples of bonding injuries & deficits that underlie chronic and severe loneliness.

2.       Painful effects.  Loneliness hurts.  It can lead to depression, low self-esteem and self-criticism, fear and anxiety, emptiness and boredom, and physical problems as mentioned above.

3.       Denial/Escape.  To cope with the pain the lonely may use defense mechanisms (e.g., denial, repression, splitting good and bad, intellectualization, somatization), compulsive behaviors (e.g., alcoholism, eating disorders, workaholism, sex), or isolate further (hiding in fear from the care they need.).

4.       Negativity/mistrust.  People who have been severely wounded, especially when they were young, expect to be re-wounded; they feel "eligible" for mistreatment.  People who have been severely neglected or repeatedly abandoned may develop the "burned victim syndrome" - they need to be touched by love, but it hurts so they shrink back.

Even when someone cares for a person with bonding injuries they're likely to distrust it.  They say to themselves things like: "He doesn't really mean it."  "I don't deserve this."  "I'm too needy, too sensitive, too emotional."  "If she really knew me she wouldn't say that about me."  "This isn't safe.  He'll leave as soon as I depend on him."

5.       The Loneliness and Pain Re-Cycle.  Negativity, mistrust, undeveloped relational skills lead to more injuries.  The child who was abused and doesn't heal is unconsciously drawn to connect with abusive people.  Those who have been neglected find emotionally detached people.

6.       Treatment/Healing Relationships.  Caring that's trusted, appreciated, and internalized and so it is healing and promotes positive character development.  Insight and resources that are used and applied lead to new behaviors and new types of relating.

GOD HAS A HEART FOR THE LONELY

Jesus understands the pain of loneliness.  Often he was in "lonely places" and prayed to the Father.  And at the end of his life he was betrayed, tortured, abandoned, completely alone with his immense suffering.

In the Bible it's so clear that God's heart is for the lonely.  Perhaps the best example is the gospel of Luke.  He's the only gentile author in New Testament and his gospel is that Jesus reached out to "outsiders."  He listened, cared for, and guided the woman at the well - 3 times an outsider in that culture: a woman, a Samaritan, and an adulteress.  He singled out Zacheus, the despised tax collector, and ate at his house.  Because Jesus befriended societal outcasts like this - tax collectors, prostitutes, drunks, children, the poor and needy - He was criticized by the religious establishment for being a friend of the "riff raff."

IT CAN BE HARD TO FEEL GOD'S LOVE WHEN YOU'RE LONELY

In Psalm 23 David says, "Even though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death he is with us."  He's right there beside the lonely sheep, He's with us in painful times, but when you need to feel God's care the most it often seems most elusive.  The lonely especially need what one little boy called a "god with skin on."

This is why "God sets the lonely in families." (Psalm 68:6).  You and I, as the Body of Christ, are that family.  We are "God's ambassadors" for God to make His appeal through (2 Corinthians 5:21).  He wants to use us to care for the lonely.

STEPS FROM LONELINESS TO LOVELINESS 

If you're lonely, then I want to talk to you now.  I'm going to tell you the steps you need to take to move from loneliness to loveliness.  If you're caring for someone who is lonely (we all are as New Hope Counselors!) then these are the steps you want to listen for, draw out, encourage, and pray for.

1.       Get connected.

There's 4 types of loneliness, 4 ways and levels we need to connect. 

Social loneliness refers to those who don't belong to a group(s).  We all need to affiliate with our family, a club, an association, a Sunday School class, or a support group.  We all need to have a sense of belonging.  I hope that New Hope is a second family for you!

Interpersonal loneliness.  You can belong to valuable groups, but still feel alone.  There is a loneliness that is best described as a lack of intimacy, to not feel known and loved.  We all need at least one friend to survive and 2-3 to thrive.  For some it begins with a therapist, pastor, or sponsor. 

Intrapersonal loneliness occurs when someone isn't connected to their inner self.  This means feeling bad when you're alone.  It means not liking your self.  Intrapersonal loneliness can limit a person's ability to experience and benefit from caring interpersonal relationships. 

Spiritual loneliness.  Some people have belonging, intimacy, and psychological healthiness, but they still feel that something is missing.  They're empty deep in their souls.  They're missing a sense of meaningful connection to God and His work.  Faith leads us into intimacy with God and into His service.  Our stories are part of a much larger and grander story that's God's story.

2.       Share your feelings with a safe person. 

Some time ago I was trying to help a lonely woman experience community.  She was an abuse survivor and had never married.  She also had an eating disorder and admitted that she was "Hiding behind her fat."  She was afraid to be known. 

As a girl she was beaten, criticized, and rejected.  In therapy with me her heart was healing and she was getting help, but out in the world she was still scared, ashamed, and alone.  So again and again I recommended that she go to a support group.  Finally she did. 

She shared her story, her secret hurts, her tears, and her fears that no one would like her real self.  The other woman in the group listened.  They cried for her.  Later, one by one, they hugged her and said, "I like you."  It changed her life!

That's real bonding.  When you share your inner feelings, needs, and struggles with someone you can connect on a deep level and experience the care and strength that you need to heal and to grow.  And when you listen to someone in that way you give the greatest gift.

A support group or church recovery program is a great context to meet safe people.  People who have their own struggles are more likely to be gracious and caring.  Support groups can be very good referrals for New Hope callers and chatters. 

3.       Talk with God.

Tell God how you feel and what you're struggling with.  David wrote, "Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me."  (Psalm 27:10).  When David was lonely and had nowhere else to turn he found comfort in God.

And when it seemed that God had let him down he cried out, "Lord why is your face hidden from me?"  He told God when he was disappointed or angry at him and it helped him eventually to feel His care.  He talked to God like he was talking to a friend.  He talked about their relationship, how it was going between them, and that's the way to deep intimacy with God and other people too.

4.       Agree with the care you receive. 

Appreciation helps you to internalize the care that you've received.  Thankfulness helps you to feel loved: "Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever." (Psalm 106:1 and repeated in many other psalms.)  Appreciation encourages your partner and deepens the bond between the two of you.  And it's infectious!  Positive people can warm up those who are negative. 

So just because you're caring for people who are lonely doesn't mean they'll feel cared for.  They need to agree with the care, accept it, and make use of it.  They need to say to themselves: "Thank you!  I need this.  This is good for me."  And hold it inside their hearts.

"Whatever is lovely. if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."  (Philippians 4:8)

5.  Care for others who are lonely. 

Helping others helps you!  You feel a sense of connectedness, significance, and meaning when you help someone else.  Listening to another's pain you identify and realize that you're not alone.  You're not weird or crazy.  You're part of the human race and you're loveable.

The wise Solomon wrote, "A kind man benefits himself.. A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed." (Proverbs 11:17, 25.)  And Jesus promised us, "Give and it shall be given onto you" and "It's more blessed to give than to receive." (Luke 6:38, Acts 20:35).

As a New Hope volunteer I think you know this better than most people! 

QUICK COMFORTS FOR THE LONELY

There are also some things that people who are lonely can do to feel a little better quickly.  These "quick comforts" can be small steps in the right direction, especially if they're practiced regularly.  Here are just a few examples. 

First, a word of clarification.  I offer these ideas not as advice for you to pass on to callers and chatters, but to get you thinking small and practical.  These are the kind of ideas we want people to come up with when we're collaborating with them to encourage them to think of and step out on taking a positive action step.

1.       Talk on the phone with family, friends and acquaintances

2.       Do something nice for yourself today

3.       Get outside and take a walk

4.       Be friendly with people you encounter - smile and say hello

5.       Care for a pet

6.       Enjoy a hobby or interest

THE A-B-C'S OF NEW HOPE COUNSELING FOR THE LONELY

The basics of what we do are as easy as A-B-C.  The hardest part is tuning into callers' and chatters' feelings and resisting urges to give advice or reassurance.

1.   Actively listen for (ask about and reflect) feelings

2.   Brainstorm for (collaborate to develop) an action step

3.   Close with a referral and/or prayer

REFERRALS 

One of my favorite national support group referrals is "Overcomer's Outreach."  This is a Christian-based organization with support groups all over America and beyond.  Their contact information is: 1-800-310-3001 and www.overcomersoutreach.org.

FREE RESOURCES FOR THE PUBLIC

Visit www.NewHopeNow.org for self-help articles by Dr. Bill.  (These are free resources for callers and chatters.)  For instance, in the "New Hope Notes" section of articles you'll find, "You Don't Have to be Lonely: How to Get Connected."  In "Ask Dr. Bill" you'll find an article, "My Friend Lied."  And in the "Self-Test" section you'll find, "Are You Depressed?"

ADDITIONAL NEW HOPE TRAINING

Visit www.NewHopeNow.org/counselors, for easy access to the "CE Notes" and corresponding exams to past classes.  Our counselors' website also features many "Case Discussions" to demonstrate good New Hope Counseling.

LET'S PRACTICE!

To receive CE credit and the satisfaction of accomplishment take the CE Exam, which includes a role-play, and turn it into SheilaS@CrystalCathedral.org.  Complete all 11 classes for 2002 and you'll receive a special award at the end of the year!

Loneliness to Lovelines CE Exam