Dr.
Bill Gaultiere
(714) 971-4213,
DrBill@CrystalCathedral.org
Director
of New Hope & Psychologist with ChristianSoulCare.com
JESUS CARED
FOR DIFFICULT PEOPLE
Prayer
- to invite Jesus to teach us.
Lectio
Divina (John 5:1-15, NIV)
To help us
learn how to be kind and to have boundaries we're going
to look to Jesus and how he did it. For starters let's consider
Jesus' encounter with the invalid at the sheep gate pool by using
a form of meditation called, "Lectio Divina," which is Latin for
"Divine Reading." Lectio Divina is an ancient form of prayerful
meditation on the Word of God that was developed by St. Benedict
of Nursia (480 - 547) in which we read, reflect, respond, and
rest in the Word. I'm going to read the passage two times and
then guide you through a brief period of meditation and prayer
after each reading:
- Read (Lectio)
1) Consider
your ministry to people who are stuck, difficult, negative
2) Consider
the way Jesus ministered to the invalid
- Reflect
(Meditatio): Let Jesus talk to you about.
- Respond
in prayer (Oratio): Talk to Jesus about.
- Rest quietly
(Contemplatio): Rest in Jesus' arms.
Some time
later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for a feast of the Jews. Now
there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic
is called Bethesda and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades.
Here a great number of disabled people used to lie-the blind,
the lame, the paralyzed. One who was there had been an invalid
for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned
that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him,
"Do you want to get well?"
"Sir," the
invalid replied, "I have no one to help me into the pool when
the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else
goes down ahead of me."
Then Jesus
said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk." At once the
man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.
The day on which this took place was a Sabbath, and so the Jews
said to the man who had been healed, "It is the Sabbath; the law
forbids you to carry your mat."
But he replied,
"The man who made me well said to me, 'Pick up your mat and walk.'"
So they asked
him, "Who is this fellow who told you to pick it up and walk?"
The man who
was healed had no idea who it was, for Jesus had slipped away
into the crowd that was there.
Later Jesus
found him at the temple and said to him, "See, you are well again.
Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you." The man went
away and told the Jews that it was Jesus who had made him well.
(John 5:1-15, NIV).
- Group sharing
(after 3rd reading): Would you like to briefly share
what Jesus showed you? Your experience could be a blessing for
someone else here in the room. Who would like to share? Maybe
a two or three people.
Difficult
People to Help!
When you're
in pastoral ministry or a care-giver of any kind you have to deal
with difficult people like the invalid at the sheep gate pool
that Jesus ministered to.
- Complainers
- Whiners
- "Yes, butters"
- Flirts
- Interrupters
- People
who get angry at you (even though you're being kind)
- People
who manipulate you
- People
who won't stop talking even after you say you have to go
- People
who don't appreciate you
- People
who say they appreciate you but then they slander you
- Stuck people
who don't improve no matter how much you help them
- Needy people
who just keep sucking and sucking from you and yet they never
get enough
Does anybody
here want to be kind to these people? No one? That's what I thought!
We experience
all these types of people at the Crystal Cathedral's New Hope
Crisis Counseling Center where I've served as the Director for
the last 12 years. 24-hours a day, 365 days a year hurting people
contact 714-NEW-HOPE and NewHopeNow.org to talk and pray with
a volunteer New Hope Counselor. Some people are suicidal or in
crisis. Most people are lonely or stressed and need basic counseling.
But some of the people who contact us are like this invalid at
the sheep gate pool.
For instance
we get a lot of what we call "stuck frequent callers" (or
"chatters" on the Internet). These are people who keep calling
us, but they don't make positive changes in their lives. Sometimes
they call us multiple times in the same day. Day after day, week
after week, month after month - sometimes for years - they
keep calling us to share the same story in the same way.
Some years
ago one of our counselors had enough with a stuck frequent caller
and so when this woman called and started yacking and yacking
as normal he put her on speaker phone and went into another booth
to take a call from someone else. Twenty minutes later when he
finished that counseling call the lady was still dumping all of
her complaints! That was an unauthorized and unkind approach,
but it illustrates how disconnected these stuck people can be.
LEAN INTO
THE WHITEWATERS
About four
years ago I went whitewater rafting on the Kern River with my
11-year old son and his by Boy Scout trip. What a thrilling adventure!
And scary too! Driving on the highway along the river we saw a
sign that said, "264 people have died in the Kern river since
1962." I thought about turning around. If that wasn't bad enough,
I learned that just one-week prior someone died in the river.
This was on
my mind at the roughest section of the classs-3 rapids when our
guide yelled, "High water hard!" which he had taught us
meant, "Lean forward into the high waters and paddle hard or
else we'll flip over!"
Being one
of the two front paddlers, I knew my role was crucial so I leaned
out over the tip of the raft and into the splashing waves and
paddled furiously through about a five foot dip, screaming, "Ahhhh!
Ahh!" and then finally, "Yes! We did it!"
My excitement
and sense of conquest was abruptly curtailed though when our guide
yelled out to the other guide on the raft next to us, "Rescue!"
One of the women on our raft had been catapulted into the water.
She was careening down the river head first (not feet first as
she had been instructed!) and had to be pulled to safety by the
other guide. She bruised and bloodied her hand and needed stitches,
but she was going to be okay.
My son and
I, and I think the others too, gained something important from
prevailing in our battle with the roaring whitewaters and crashing
waves - trust. To avoid the jutting rocks and to crash through
the turbulent waves we had to trust that our guide knew the Kern
River like the back of his hand and he was and that he was right
to tell us to lean into the rough waters.
"High water!
Hard!" Lean into the crashing waves and the five foot drop in
the river.
That's what
it's like caring for difficult people. And the amazing thing is
that loving the "unloveables" can actually be a surprise blessing
for us. Being kind to people who bring us pain can be a blessing?
Maybe you don't believe me? Consider these words from the Apostle
James, the brother of Jesus (James 1:2-4, MSG):
"Consider
it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at
you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life
is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't
try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so
you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way."
Joy in trials?
It's the opposite of what we tend to do. We lean away from life's
turbulence when we complain about our problems or avoid other
people's pain.
Jesus leaned
into the Whitewaters that Scare Us
Do you think
they had whitewater rafting in Jesus' day? Somehow he learned
about "High water! Hard!" because he did that in his ministry.
The story of him approaching the invalid at the sheep gate pool
is just one of many examples of how he cared desperate, difficult
people.
Remember the
woman who had suffered with the issue of blood for 12 years and
had gone to doctor after doctor and kept getting worse? She crawled
on the ground to get through a crowd and touch the hem of Jesus'
robe. He stopped what he was doing and quieted the crowd to care
for her.
Here's another
example. After John the Baptist was killed by Herod Jesus was
sad. His cousin and the forerunner of his ministry had been brutally
executed. He needed to talk and pray with the Father. But the
disciples were eager to talk with Jesus about their mission trip
so Jesus went away with them to debrief. But a crowd of 1,000's
of hungry people came to him to be taught the Word of God so Jesus
fed them teaching and bread. Later, he got alone to pray and then
he walked out on the water to join the disciples in their boat.
Jesus was
constantly being interrupted like this. Most of Jesus' ministry
was a response to "interruptions" - people who approached without
making an appointment and when he was doing something else. And
most of the people who sought his help were difficult people to
help: the "riff raff" from the wrong side of the tracks, broken
and desperate people, the poor, prostitutes, drunkards, despised
tax collectors, and other societal outcasts.
How did Jesus
care for these difficult people without getting depleted? Where
is the blessing in these trials?
THREE KINDS
OF GIVERS
Many of us
get overwhelmed trying to respond to people like this. Before
we can show care and kindness like Jesus did we need to be sure
to avoid giving in the wrong way so we don't fall into stress
overload or burnout.
In 2 Corinthians
9:6-8 (NIV) the Apostle Paul identified these 3 approaches to
helping - two are problematic and one is a blessing:
"Remember
this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever
sows generously will also reap generously. Each man should give
what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under
compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to
make all grace abound to you, so that in all
things at all times, having all that you need,
you will abound in every good work."
Listen to
verse 7 of this passage in the New King James Version:
"So let each
one give as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or
of necessity; for God loves a cheerful giver" (2
Cor 9:7, NKJV).
1. GUILT
GIVERS
The first
style of giving or ministry that Paul identified is giving begrudgingly,
or out of obligation - being a "Guilt Giver." This is serving
God out of duty more than desire, living out of shoulds more than
wants. And it leads to stress overload.
Tension (pressure of obligation) in relationships
with God and others creates
anxiety
Stress overload is doing too much for too long. "Too much"
is the key term here. You're over-stressed when you're in a hurry
to get more done in less time and you're living that way for an
extended period of time. Under this kind of pressure you get anxious,
irritable, and worn down.
2. VACUUM GIVERS
The second style of ministering and helping that Paul identified
is giving out of emptiness - being a "Vaccum Giver." This is like
trying to drive your car when you're tank is empty. You're in
need or hurting yourself and yet you're forcing yourself to help
others. You're trying to give what you don't have! You're depressed.
You're lacking in energy, purpose, and passion, but you keep going
on. Giving out of emptiness creates burnout.
Burnout is actually different than stress overload. Most people
blur the two together. I told you that the key phrase in stress
overload is "too much." With burnout it's "not enough." In a sense
they're opposite. In stress overload you collapse from the pressure
of doing what you love, but doing too much of it, too fast. Burn
out comes from not doing enough of what you love to do, lacking
passion, serving out of emptiness. Stress overload is an anxiety
problem. Burn out is a depression problem.
Disconnection (emptiness) from the purpose and appreciation of
God and others creates depression
3. CHEERFUL GIVERS
God intends for us to be "cheerful givers" Paul told us in 2
Corinthians 9:6-8.
The joy of giving is for most people a surprising joy. They don't
expect it - especially if they're struggling with anxiety or depression
in their ministry. How do we get out of patterns of stress overload
or burn out and experience the joy of the Lord in ministry?
How to Become Cheerful Givers
1. Learn to live in the overflow!
Putting priority on receiving God's care Directly
and through others brings peace and balance
A mistake that we make is that we try too hard
to imitate Jesus. Imitating Jesus seems like a good thing to do
- the best thing - after all, who better to model our lives after.
But you can't imitate Jesus by trying to do so. Instead you have
to train. "Don't try. Train," is Dallas Willard's wise teaching
in The Spirit of the Disciplines.
Another way to say this is: Don't try to imitate
Jesus until you internalize Jesus. We need to get Jesus
and his relationship with the Father inside us. The only care
and kindness that truly advances the kingdom of heaven is an expression
of the fruit of the Spirit. Love, joy, peace. It's all the fruit
of the Spirit. Not the fruit of Bill, Jackie, Joe, or Terry. It's
the fruit of the Spirit. Jesus is the vine and we're the branches.
We bear fruit only as we connect to his life and let his life
flow through us to others.
We need to feed on the fruit of the Spirit in
our own souls so that we can share it with others. This is why
Jesus kept saying to us things like: "You have not because you
ask not. Ask that your joy might be full." As Jesus' best friend
John said succinctly, "We love because he first loved us."
Jesus was always going off by himself to pray
to the Father. He spent time with his friends and let them minister
to him. He practiced a number of spiritual disciplines. This is
where he got his love and power for life and ministry. If Jesus
needed to be blessed so he could be a blessing, how much more
do we! Before we can do the works of Jesus we need to walk
in the ways of Jesus.
2. Focus in your Areas of God-given Passion
 s
Receiving God's calling and empowerment and focusing
it on a need you can meet revives your passion
Thomas Kelly the great Quaker missionary and educator
who wrote A Testament of Devotion in 1941, says
the world is too vast and my lifetime too short for me to carry
all responsibilities.
But the Loving Presence [God] does not burden
us equally with all things, but considerately puts upon each of
us just a few central tasks, as emphatic responsibilities. For
each of us these special undertakings are our share in the joyous
burdens of love (p. 83).
Of course, showing kindness isn't limited to using
our gifts. But most of our ministery is best focused on two or
three ways areas of passion. We can't be all things to all people.
We each play our part. We can't help everybody who comes to us
all the time.
Dallas Willard says, "God hasn't told us to love
the whole world. It's way too big for us. That's his job. We're
to love our neighbor. The person who is "nigh" us.
3. Learn how to say no
Tension (pressure of obligation) in relationships
with God and others creates anxiety
The other thing we must learn to do in order to care for needy,
difficult people is to develop the strength and skills to be able
to say no. We need margin in our schedules. Space between appointments.
Down time. A Sabbath rest. Times we say no to work and ministry
in order to recuperate and regenerate.
This is difficult for most of us. We're here in this room right
now as part of the International Conference on Care & Kindness
because we like to say yes! We like to help people. We like to
be nice and make people feel good. And it doesn't feel nice or
caring to say no to someone with a need.
But Jesus taught us, "Simply let your yes be yes and your no
be no." And he illustrated this in his parable of the two sons:
"What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went
to the first and said, 'Son, go and work today in the vineyard.'
"'I will
not,' he answered, but later he changed his mind and went.
"Then the
father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered,
'I will, sir,' but he did not go.
"Which of
the two did what his father wanted?"
"The first," they answered. (Mathew 21:28-31, NIV).
The lesson
here is that if you can't say no then you can't say yes. Have
you ever thought of it that way? If you can't say no then you
can't say yes. The reason being that if you're not confident of
your ability to say no then you'll be too scared to say yes. You'll
be afraid to get trapped. You'll be afraid to start a conversation
if you're not sure that you can end it when you need to. You'll
be afraid to serve in a ministry if you won't give yourself permission
to take a break when you need to.
SETTING
BOUNDARIES LIKE JESUS DID
Jesus himself
said no. There are many instances recorded in the gospels where
he said no to people for various reasons. I have found it very
helpful for myself and others to consider Jesus' boundaries. If
Jesus said no to people then maybe it's not unkind for me to do
so! I want to conclude this session by looking at some examples
of how Jesus said no and set boundaries.
Jesus Said
No to Inappropriate Behavior
- Demands.
He withdrew from the crowds who wanted him for 1:1 time with
the Father (Luke 5:15-16)
- Abuse.
He fought his way through the crowd that was trying to throw
him off a cliff for claiming to be the Messiah (Luke 4:28-30)
- Entitlement.
He didn't give in to his mother and brothers who tried to use
their relationship with him to pull him away from the crowd
he was ministering to (Matthew 12:46-50)
- Baiting
Questions. When the religious leaders asked him baiting
questions to make him look foolish he answered with incisive
questions of his own (Matthew 21:23-27, 22:15-22)
- Cynicism.
He said no to Herod's mocking demand of "Show us a sign that
you are the Son of God." (Luke 23:8-9)
- Manipulation.
He said no to Peter and the disciples who had an inappropriate
agenda for Jesus to a political king or military warrior rather
than a sacrificial lamb. (Matthew 16:23)
- Pride.
He didn't heal those who were too proud to trust Him (Matthew
13:58).
Jesus Spoke
the Truth in Love (Eph 4:15) to those Stuck or Wrong
- Exploitation.
He used a whip to clear out the temple of the vendors and money
changers who were taking advantage of the poor and turning God's
house into a marketplace (Matthew 21:12-17, John 2:12-16)
- Addiction.
He told the Rich Young Ruler that he couldn't help him until
he gave away the money that was controlling him (Matthew 19:16-21).
- Misguided.
He rebuked the disciples who tried to keep the little children
away from him and told them that they needed to emulate the
children's faith (Matthew 19:13-15).
Jesus Offered
Grace and Truth as Needed (John 8:1-11)
- The
humble and broken. To the woman caught in adultery he offered
grace ("Neither do I condemn you.") and truth ("Go and sin no
more.").
- The
proud and self-righteous. To the Pharisees who tried to
condemn this woman and to trap Jesus he listened (grace) and
then confronted their pride and scapegoating ("Let him who is
without sin throw the first stone.")
Jesus Had
Expectations for People in Need (at step of helping process)
- What
do you want? (listen, compassion)
Two blind
men called out to him for help from the Jericho road. He asked
them, "What do you want me to do for you?" They needed to
ask for what they needed and they needed to trust Him. (Matthew
20:29-34)
- Do you
want to get well? (identify, motivate)
For 38
years the invalid at the Sheep gate pool hadn't been able
to get into the miracle waters. He felt helpless and sorry
for himself. He expected someone to fix his problem. Jesus
challenged him, "Do you want to get well?. Get up! Pick up
your mat and walk." It was up to him to be motivated and to
take responsibility for himself. (John 5:1-14)
- Do you
believe? (expect responsible behavior, activate)
A father
sought deliverance for his son who was mute and had seizures
and said to Jesus, "If you can do anything, take pity on us
and help us." Jesus put it back on the father, "`If you can'?
Everything is possible for him who believes." The father needed
to believe that Jesus could cure his son. (Mark 9:17-27)
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