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I pray that God uses this class in your life and in your counseling.  I know that many of you have been divorced, have children who have been through divorce, or went through having your parents divorce.  I pray that God comforts and strengthens you and your loved ones.  And I pray that God uses this class to further empower and instruct you as you care for New Hope callers and chatters.

GOALS OF THIS CLASS

·        Single parent families increased from 13% of the U.S. family population in 1970 to 31% in 1994

·        56% of divorced children had no contact whatsoever with their fathers in the first year after divorce, and 23% had no contact after five years.

·        Women and children suffered most economically. Only half of the divorced men in America pay their full support responsibility; one-quarter make partial, inconsistent payment, and one-quarter pays nothing.

·        Divorced children had the deepest feelings of anger, fear, and rejection of any childhood group, and were three times as likely to receive professional help as kids from intact families.

·        Suicide rates for teenage males increased 557% from 1946 to 1988.The single best predictor of teen suicide was parental divorce and living in a single parent household.

·        Rates of depression, low self-esteem, drug and alcohol abuse, and juvenile delinquency were all significantly higher for children of divorce.

·        Divorced children drop out of school at twice the rate of children from intact families. They were twice as likely to be suspended or expelled from school, and consistently showed lower test scores, lower grades, and more placement in special and remedial classes.

·        Early sexual behavior was more frequent among divorced children

IS IT THAT BAD?  HERE'S ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE (OSU Study)

90% of kids in "intact families" were within the normal range on problems.  For divorced families, 66%-74% were within the normal range. 

Research has found that children in high conflict families (intact or divorced) fare worse than children in low conflict families.  Some studies have found that children in non-conflictual single parent families are doing better than children in conflictual two-parent families.

There is also evidence that children begin to have difficulties prior to divorce and that some of these difficulties are associated with the conflict present prior to divorce.

Post-divorce conflict has a strong influence on children's adjustment.

THE GRIEF PROCESS FOR CHILDREN OF DIVORCE

Years ago I memorized Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance (DABDA).  They remind us that grief is a process and that it is normal to have these feelings and reactions.

A few cautions are in order.  Don't think of these stages as sequential or predictable.  People in grief move in and out of different feelings and reactions.  The first year of grief is significant because the griever cycles through holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries.  If the one in grief goes through the stages and comes to a place of acceptance then the pain of their grief should subside over time, but don't expect it to necessarily stop at one year. 

Clearly, these stages of grief apply to children (and adults) dealing with a divorce in their family.

Denial

Losing your family as you know it is initially too painful to deal with, especially for a child.  They may cut off emotionally from one or both parents or others.  May act like they don't care about anything, easiest way to cope.

Denial is an expected initial reaction.  It's important though to face the painful realities associated with divorce.

Anger

Kids may switch from loving a parent to hating him/her.  They may act badly to people they're close to.  They may blame one parent and make him/her "all bad."  Kids may turn their anger against themselves and feel guilt, blaming themselves and feeling like they did something wrong to cause the divorce.  ("It's because I kept getting in trouble." Or "I didn't help out enough.")  They might have problems in school because of difficult concentrating.

It's appropriate for kids to feel angry about their parents divorce, but not guilty.  In this case guilt is anger turned inward as a defense.  As far as guilt is concerned, adults who divorce need to sort through issues of true guilt (due to their sins and mistakes) and false guilt. 

The goal is to respond to anger with new learning and important boundaries and to let go and forgive, entrusting justice to God.  Resentment is old anger and means that the griever is having problems with this stage.

Bargaining

Kids usually don't want to accept the divorce.  They often think, "If only Dad didn't take that new job."  "If only Mom wouldn't have gotten so upset about his drinking."  Or, "If I only they would've talked to me first then I could've stopped this."  They may act out in hopes of uniting their parents.

In time, this too needs to subside.  The griever needs to come to terms with the reality that the divorce has happened.  "I can't undo it.  It's done."  And for the children (and adults who didn't want the divorce): "It was out of my control.  I didn't want it, but I couldn't prevent it.  Now I need to accept it, deal with my anger and hurt, and adjust."

Depression

Children of divorce will experience "good depression" or "bad depression."  It's appropriate and healthy for them to feel hurt by their parents break up and to feel sad about what they're losing: their family unit, their home, and frequent contact with a parent.  If, instead of grieving, they detach and isolate they'll develop a problem depression.

 Acceptance

With time, supportive parenting, and help with their grief kids can adjust well.

CHILDREN OF DIVORCE SPEAK OUT

Here are 10 requests from children whose parents divorced:

1.    I love and need both of you.  So get along for my sake.

2.    Don't ask me to relay messages or to spy for you.  If you have something to say to my other parent please tell him/her yourself.

3.    I know you're hurting, angry, scared.  So am I.  Please don't share all your pain and problems with me.  Acknowledge it and get help so that you can be my parent (not my friend) and listen to me.

4.    I need my life to go on and I need your help.  Please reinforce the good things I'm doing and support me in my activities.

5.    Please don't say bad things about my other parent.  I feel bad when you do.  For my sake, focus on the positive things about him/her and our relationship.

6.    Don't ask me to choose sides.  I need you both.

7.    Don't interpret my love for my other parent as disloyalty to you.

8.    The divorce may not have been your choice; it wasn't mine!  I need to know that it wasn't my fault and that I couldn't have prevented it.

9.    Don't tell me details about the divorce.  Do tell me about changes in my daily life or visitation.

10.    Don't ask me to be the "man" or "lady" of the house.  I'm just a kid!

NEW HOPE FOR CHILDREN (& ADULT CHILDREN) OF DIVORCE

Consider the following poem posted on the Internet by Shelly, a 14-year old girl.  Listen for her feelings.  Use your New Hope active listening skills to summarize her main points, to reflect back her feelings, and, as needed, to ask open-ended questions to invite further self-disclosure. 

Imagine that you're playing tennis with Shelly.  Listen.  Return the volley by reflecting back.  Listen.  Give it back.  Listen.  Ask for more.  Listen.  Give it back again.  You should go back and forth like this a number of times before you begin problem solving.

When you problem solve.  Don't give advice.  Don't analyze causes.  Do draw out ideas for an action step and reinforce helpful ideas.

~~ DAD ~~
by Shelly, age 14, California

Everyday I think of you
Wishing you were here
But, you're way over there
Sitting all alone
Wishing you were home

But you chose the road you went
And it's not my fault, you're not here
to pay the rent

Everyday I think of you
and when you finally call
I don't want to speak to you at all
Deep in my heart, I know I care
But I just don't know the words to share

When I came to visit you
Five hours wasn't enough
To re-live the past you've missed
You kissed me on the cheek
and told me not to cry
Right then and there I wanted to die
Right there in your arms
in Peace and Happiness

When we left that day
Things were really strange
All I did was sit and think
about the missing link
which was you, Dad

In your New Hope Referral guide the categories: "Divorce & Single Parents & Blended Families" & "Children & Adolescents" have the following:

1.       DivorceCare: Christian support groups for divorcees and those separated, information and resources on healing from divorce, www.divorcecare.org.

2.       DivorceSupport: Divorce, visitation and custody laws, referrals, www.divorcesupport.com.

3.       Parents without Partners: International organization with local chapter meetings to support single parents in parenting and personal issues, 1- 561-391-8833, www.parentswithoutpartners.org.

4.       Confident Kids: Christian support groups and resources for kids growing up with divorce, blended families, family conflict, addiction, abuse, an absent parent, gangs, 1-805-473-7945, www.confidentkids.com.

FREE RESOURCES FOR THE PUBLIC

"Help with the Grieving Process"

"How to Replace Bad Anger with Good Anger"

"Help for Depression"